


Destiny

by GoldenLover



Category: DDT Pro-Wrestling, Professional Wrestling, 新日本プロレス | New Japan Pro-Wrestling
Genre: Angst, Broken Promises, Canon Timeline, Denial of Feelings, Destiny, Did I Mention Angst?, Eventual Proper Smut, Fleeting Moments of Fluff, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hurts So Good, Idiots in Love, Kayfabe who?, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Sexual Content, Missed Opportunities, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Promises, Real Life, Regret, Slow Burn, Tragic Romance, True Love, Wrestling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-12-16 20:16:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11836257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenLover/pseuds/GoldenLover
Summary: Kota Ibushi finally came back tohimNJPW at the Tokyo Dome 2017, and Kenny Omega has a lot of feelings about it.





	1. I have buried you in every place I've been - you keep ending up within my shaking hands

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having a lot of feelings about the ridiculous duo of Kenny Omega and Kota Ibushi lately. They give me just enough to keep me completely invested in their story, but not enough to keep me satisfied. So, I've come up with my own story detailing what has been happening between these two beyond what we see publicly. I've attempted to make sense of what goes on behind the veil of Kayfabe, in order to explain what we see in Kayfabe (does that even make sense?). It's mostly me reading too much into any comment these two have ever made.
> 
> I began writing this just after the events of Wrestle Kingdom 11, and it just took on a mind of its own. Those two idiots definitely helped in fueling the fire though (well one idiot in particular).
> 
> This is the first fic I have ever published, so feedback is much appreciated :) Please enjoy!

_It was over… ___

____

_It was finally over… ___

______ _ _

The biggest match of Kenny Omega’s career had come and gone. He'd dealt with all the media he needed to. Matt and Nick had already left the building and were headed back to the motel as per his request. The arena was mostly empty, only the ring crew were left to pack up. The locker room had completely cleared out now too. He finally had a minute to himself. His brain still couldn't really process what had happened. He knew it was an amazing match. He felt it. And by the amount of notifications on his phone, others did too. But he didn’t want to look at any of the praise right now. Usually he loved feeding his ego, but this match had taken so much out of him, not only physically. He thought this moment would feel a lot different. He thought he would feel something at least slightly akin to happiness, and every sacrifice would have felt worth it. Yet, at this moment the only feelings he has are sore and alone. He didn’t care that he didn’t win. It has never been about winning for Kenny. It has been about being the most elite pro-wrestler in history and showing everyone what he’s capable of doing on his own. So why does he feel like this, immediately after showing everyone just that?

______ _ _

A timid knock at the locker room door broke him from his thoughts. He assumed it was someone coming to tell him he needed to leave because they were shutting the arena down for the night, so he beat them to the punch. 

______ _ _

"Don’t worry, I'm on my way out," he shouted aimlessly in the direction of the door. 

______ _ _

"Oh, sorry…" a meek voice responded. 

______ _ _

Kenny froze. He didn't even need to look up to know whose voice that was. But it was the last person he expected, and maybe the last person he wanted to see right at this moment. "Kota?" He was not questioning the identity of the man, but rather why he was here. 

______ _ _

"Sorry, I'll leave you alone," the familiar voice defeatedly replied. 

______ _ _

Kenny shot his head up to make sure his brain wasn't playing tricks on him. "Wait…” Kenny unconsciously spoke. He didn’t have a plan of what to say next, but for some reason he didn’t want him to leave. For the first time in a long time he didn’t want to avoid and ignore Kota Ibushi. “Uhh…what are you doing here still?" he asked, rubbing his hands along his thighs so they were at least occupied.

______ _ _

"I... uh I just wanted to congratulate you," Kota stammered. 

______ _ _

He seemed hesitant, yet sincere, Kenny thought. "Thanks. I didn't expect you'd stick around to watch it.” Kenny looked down at his feet. He suddenly felt very awkward. It’s been so damn long since he's talked to Kota, or had any real interaction with him. And not knowing what Kota really wanted was making him feel uneasy.

______ _ _

"I couldn’t miss your biggest match, could I?" Kota professed with a timid smile.

______ _ _

Kenny didn't know how to respond. His head hurt. Maybe he had taken too many bumps during the match. 

______ _ _

"Are you okay?" Kota questioned, voice soft and calming.

______ _ _

Kenny was too inside his own head to hear the words he was saying. "What?"

______ _ _

"Are you hurt?" Kota reiterated, beginning to walk towards him. 

______ _ _

Instinctually, Kenny retreated backwards. "Uh yeah, no I'm fine," Kenny protested, becoming more and more flustered. He felt like the room was closing in around him as Kota drew closer. Before he knew what was happening he was flat on his backside. Evidently, he'd tripped on his bag. _Shit._ Kenny remembered why he had been trying to keep his distance from Kota. Because he is apparently incapable of functioning like a normal human being when he’s around.

______ _ _

"Kenny!" Kota screamed, now directly kneeling in front of him. A look of concern was plastered on his face as he reached out for Kenny. 

______ _ _

"I'm fine!" Kenny insisted, scuffling to his feet to avoid any physical contact with Kota. Maybe he couldn’t do this.

______ _ _

"Okay. Should I leave you?" Kota asked.

______ _ _

Internally Kenny was screaming _yes_ , but his mouth refused to say it. Something in him refused to let Kota leave, even though every rational fibre in his being was telling him that's what he needed to do.

______ _ _

"Kenny?" Kota's hand moved to his shoulder. It was the first time Kota had touched him in what felt like a lifetime. He let himself lean into it slightly. _Fuck._ He smelled the same. _Why did he have to smell the same?_ Why did the brain have to be wired in such a way that even the scent of Kota brought back every memory and emotion? It wasn't fair Kenny thought.

______ _ _

"You smell the same," Kenny uttered. Kota looked at him curiously making Kenny realise that he’d spoken those words aloud, and not just in his head.

______ _ _

"And you smell terrible," Kota snickered as he dropped his hand. 

______ _ _

"Ha, well yeah I just wrestled for nearly an hour. So, of course I smell terrible," Kenny chuckled. It felt nice for a fleeting moment. But Kota wasn't laughing, he was just staring intensely. Kenny needed to break the tension and get out of here as soon as he could. "Well I uh, better go have a shower then." He began to shove the things he knocked out of his bag back in. But he was stopped by a hand grabbing his wrist. 

______ _ _

"Kenny," Kota pleaded, as Kenny’s heart felt like it skipped a beat, "can we talk?" Now it felt like it stopped. 

______ _ _

"About what?" Kenny struggled to keep the composure in his voice. 

______ _ _

"Everything. Us. The last two years. The future," Kota declared. 

______ _ _

_No, no, no, no, please no. _Kenny breathed in deeply, "Kota-" but he was interrupted before he could protest.__

________ _ _ _ _

"You can't just keep mentioning me in interviews and tweets, yet ignoring me in person,” scolded Kota. “I've accepted the way you want things to be, but there's clearly things we need to work out between us. We can’t keep dancing around each other forever." 

________ _ _ _ _

Kota wasn’t mincing words. It’s one thing he always admired about Kota. He was always so sure of himself, never had any doubts about anything. Kenny was jealous of that sometimes. He wished he could have more self-confidence and not care what anyone else thought sometimes. 

________ _ _ _ _

Kenny saw no reason to lie to Kota right now. "Kota, I don't know if I can. It's been so long. I don't know how to be around you anymore," Kenny confessed. 

________ _ _ _ _

"Please Kenny. If after this you want to go back to ignoring me, I'll respect your decision," Kota responded. 

________ _ _ _ _

Kenny sighed, "That's the problem, I don’t know if I’ll be able to let you go again. Kota, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I can’t go there again with you,” Kenny admitted. 

________ _ _ _ _

"But what about me?" Kota countered. 

________ _ _ _ _

He looked like an abused puppy as he said it. _Fuck. _All he had to do was listen to what Kota wanted to say and then tell him very clearly that things cannot go back to the way they were before. And then they can both move on again. "Okay Kota… I'm staying with Matt and Nick at the motel though…" He didn’t really want to involve those boys in whatever was going to happen.__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"We can go to my place," Kota said nonchalantly. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

In an instant, the memories of Kota's apartment flooded Kenny's thoughts. The history they shared at that place. Kenny helped make the decision for Kota to buy an apartment on the outskirts of Tokyo. It was an easier location to travel to and from than Kota’s home town. And more importantly, it's where Kenny would spend most of his time and it made sense for them to be close to each other. He spent more time than he would care to remember at that apartment. If he goes there again, he’s not sure what might happen. "Kota, I don't know if I can go back there," Kenny revealed.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Kenny, you've got to meet me half way here. This is just as hard for me as it is for you,” Kota reasoned. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Kenny highly doubted that. “I know how hard it is. That’s why I think it’s just easier if we keep some distance.” 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Easier for who Kenny?” Kota objected. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Maybe that was a poor choice of words. This had never been easy for Kenny. Not being with Kota has been the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. “Kota, we can't go back to the way things were before," Kenny contended. As much as he would love to turn back the clock five years to when everything was easy and fun, too much had changed. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Why not?" Kota asked genuinely.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You know why," Kenny retorted. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I really don't.” Kota asserted. “I agreed we couldn’t be together for a while because you needed to focus on your career. That if we weren’t going to be a tag team anymore, you needed to establish yourself as a singles competitor and it was too hard to do that if we were together. But you’ve done that now. Kenny, you made it. You made it all the way to the main event of the freaking Tokyo Dome! So, what’s stopping us now?” Kota was beaming. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Kota, it’s not as simple as that,” Kenny proclaimed. If it were, Kenny would have already made a move.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“What is so complicated about it?” Kota demanded. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Suddenly Kenny felt claustrophobic again and sat down on the bench to avoid falling over. "Do we really have to do this now? Today of all days. The biggest day of my career." Kenny was beginning to feel very tired. Maybe if he went to sleep this whole nightmare would be gone when he woke up. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You've been ignoring me for two years! When else was I going to even get an opportunity to talk to you?” Kota snapped.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

The truth of that hit Kenny a little too hard. "Kota, I really can't do this right now." Kenny was beginning to feel sick now. He wasn't sure if he was dehydrated, concussed or if it was Kota making his stomach tie up in knots.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Yeah, you never could deal when things got too real," Kota sneered. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Damn it Kota!” Kenny exclaimed. “I don’t know what I want anymore, okay? After that match, I think everything is going to change. I need time to think." His head was spinning. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Well, you still clearly see your career as more important than me." Kota’s words were biting.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Kenny pleaded, "You know that's not what I'm saying." 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Well it sure sounds like it," Kota asserted. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

Kenny was feeling really ill now. "Kota please don't do this to yourself. Why couldn’t you just leave it alone?" Kenny begged. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"You’re the one doing this! I never wanted you out of my life. Kenny, you made that decision for the both of us. I accepted that and gave you what you wanted. But I never would have agreed if I realized it meant that you would never speak to me again.” Kota paused for a moment, but Kenny had no response for him. “You know what, fuck you! If I mean that little to you, you can just fuck off and be the big superstar you've always wanted to be. I'll leave you alone." Kota began to walk away and Kenny's stomach did a back flip and the sight of him leaving like this. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Kota-" was all he managed to say before his legs pulled him towards the bathroom. After heaving a few times into the toilet, he sat back on the cold and dirty floor. A wave of emotion flooded him. Salty tears began to mix with the taste of vomit. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I’m sorry..." Kenny whispered through heavy breaths, even though he knew Kota was already gone.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Justin Vernon - Song for a Lover of Long Ago


	2. If I came home, would you get down on your knees?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, because I found no information about this, I may have taken some liberties regarding Kota's living situation to make this chapter work.
> 
> Please enjoy! :)

Kenny remained on the desolate locker room floor. Among the silence a hand touched his shoulder. He flinched before turning his head up to see Kota standing above him.

"Come home with me."

It wasn't a question or an offer. It was a demand. And right now, Kenny wasn't going to protest. For one, he had no energy to. But he also couldn't say no to Kota anymore. _What is the worst that could happen?_

They drove in dead silence the entire way back to Kota’s apartment, neither of them wanting to say the wrong thing. Kenny’s thoughts were still racing. Fortunately, the nausea had eased somewhat. He reminisced for a moment about how differently this same car ride used to feel. They had done it maybe hundreds of times. They liked to travel alone back in the day, away from the rowdy other wrestlers. The journey would be filled with laughter, singing, and more often than not, would end with them falling over each other to get inside and have some privacy. Occasionally Kenny would fall asleep on the ride home, especially after a big match or a long tour. Kota would always gently wake him up with a kiss. One time, Kota even carried him inside after Kenny had twisted his ankle. They were happy memories, but at this moment they only functioned to make Kenny feel miserable. He didn’t know if he would ever have that again with Kota. And he didn’t know if he would ever want it with anyone else.

They finally made it to Kota's apartment, stepped from the car and silently walked to the front door. As soon and the door swung open the scent hit Kenny again. He shivered as he took a deep breath, swallowing the memories before following Kota inside. Although Kota’s house was relatively modern and more akin to what any Western home would look like, the entry way still functioned as a genkan to remove outdoor shoes and change into clean slippers. Kenny still had his ring gear on and so silently sat on the bench to begin removing his shin pads. Kota knelt before him and stopped his hands.

“Let me,” Kota insisted.

Kenny was too exhausted to object. He rested his elbows on his thighs and dropped his face into his hands. Kota began pulling at his left shin pad. Kenny lifted his head and let Kota take control of his leg. He was beginning to feel every bump from that match intensify. It hurt to even lift his leg. Kota must have noticed his pain, because he held Kenny’s foot while taking off the pads, so Kenny didn’t have to expend any energy in holding his leg up. Kota proceeded to remove all the padding, untie his boots and pull them off his feet.

“Thank you,” Kenny mouthed, staring directly at Kota. Kota nodded back at him as he removed his own shoes and stepped into a clean pair of slippers. Kenny managed to stand on his own and donned his own pair of slippers. There were multiple to choose from. Kenny wondered if Kota had many guests over, or if he was just prepared. Kenny began to realise that he really knew nothing about Kota’s life now. He didn’t know who he spent his time with, who his friends were, if he had been with anyone since him–

Kota interrupted his thought spiral, "Do you remember where everything is?" He asked sarcastically, already knowing the answer to the question.

"Of course," Kenny answered meekly, almost embarrassed that he remembered every inch of this house.

Kota smiled, “Well, I think you should get some rest and tomorrow we can talk?”

Kenny nodded in agreement, as he stumbled through the painfully familiar house.

"You take the bed. I'll take the couch. Help yourself to anything you need."

"What? Don't be silly, I can't sleep in your bed," Kenny insisted. He was grateful that Kota hadn’t suggested they share the bed, but he wasn’t sure he could sleep in that den of memories again.

"Why? It's not like you haven't before," Kota teased.

Kenny felt heat rising in his cheeks as he the memories of every time he'd slept in that bed threatened to break into his consciousness. But he refused to acknowledge those old times again and forced himself to bury the thoughts. "I'll just grab a shower and crash on the couch," Kenny stuttered. He quickly ran to the bathroom, closing the door gently behind him. He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding in. He really needed a shower, he'd been in his ring tights for way too long now. He turned the taps on, stripped off and let the water attempt to rinse away all that had happened.

 . . .

After what was probably 20 minutes, Kenny finally stepped out of the shower and dried off. It was at this moment he realized he had no clean clothes with him. He only had a spare pair of runners and a jacket in his bag. There was no way he was putting his ring tights back on. _Crap_. This meant he had to go out in his towel and see Kota to ask for some clean clothes to wear. Before he could even think about that though, he needed to brush his teeth. He still felt gross from throwing up before. He filtered through Kota's bathroom cupboards and draws looking for a spare toothbrush to use. Finally, the bottom draw had what he was looking for, his toothbrush. _My toothbrush? Why did Kota still have my toothbrush from all those years ago?_ He looked down at the draw again and saw his old razor, hair ties and cologne that he must have left behind. _This is bad. This is really bad._ But right now, Kenny's brain and body needed sleep before he could even comprehend what any of this meant. He brushed his teeth, stepped back into his slippers, and made sure the towel was firmly grasped around his waist before stepping out of the bathroom. He headed to the bedroom, expecting Kota to be there, but instead found him lying on the couch.

"Damn it Kota, I thought we agreed I'd take the couch," Kenny hissed, but with no real malice behind his words.

"I never agreed to anything," Kota taunted. Those words felt like they had so much extra meaning behind them.

"Well, could I borrow some clothes?” Kenny asked. “I don't have any spare with me. They’re all at the motel."

"Yeah, you know where the closet is," Kota smirked.

 _Why was Kota being like this?_ Why did he insist on reminding Kenny of their past all the time? Maybe it was a bad idea to agree to come back here. "Uh, okay." Kenny didn't even care at this point because he felt like he was going to pass out. He went to the bedroom and opened the closet looking for some pants. He skimmed through the folded-up pairs until he found one that looked comfortable. He remembered Kota wearing every pair of these, and ripping every pair off– He refused to let his mind go there. He usually wouldn't wear a shirt, but for some reason he felt like he needed to tonight. He looked through the shirts hanging in the closet and right at the end of the row he saw one he recognized. It was his. _Why did Kota still have my clothes too?_ He debated as to whether he should wear it and let Kota know he found it or to ignore it and pretend he never saw it. Ignoring things is how he got himself into this mess so he decided to just put the shirt on. He didn't really want to go back out and see Kota, especially if he was going to be stubborn and sleep on the couch. But he figured he should at least go say goodnight.

"Hey Kota, I'm going to go to bed," Kenny muttered in the direction of the couch.

No answer.

"Goodnight."

Still no answer. Maybe Kota was already asleep. Kenny went back to the bedroom and pulled the sheets back on the bed. It amazed him how natural it felt to be getting into this bed again. It was just as comfortable as he remembered. For a brief moment it felt like home.

 . . .

Kenny didn’t know how long he'd been laying there, but he’s well aware that he's still awake. Something felt wrong. He's never slept in this bed without Kota. And apparently, he is incapable of doing so now. He resolves to drag himself out of bed, quietly walk past the living room to the kitchen, pour himself a cold glass of water and chug it.

"Can't sleep?" Kota guessed, leaning on the door frame.

Kenny was so startled he nearly dropped the glass he was holding. "Jesus! You scared the shit out of me!” Kenny shrilled. “I thought you were sleeping." He attempted to calm his elevated heart rate with a few deep breaths.

"Nice shirt," Kota quipped.

 _Damn_ , Kenny had forgotten he was wearing it. "Oh, yeah that's what I thought when I bought it." Neither of them said another word about it. The silence was awkward. “It’s weird being here, Kota. It’s weird being in that bed again.”

“I know. It’s weird for me too,” Kota agreed, with sadness lining his voice.

Kenny couldn’t have this conversation right now. Every muscle in his body was aching and screaming for sleep. "Well, I'm going to go to the bathroom and then head back to bed. Goodnight Kota." Kenny couldn't have got out of there quicker if he tried. He ducked to the bathroom and then walked through the dark back to the bedroom. He knew he didn't need any light to navigate Kota's house. He slid back into bed but immediately jumped back out when he felt Kota’s body beside him.

"Holy shit!” Kenny exclaimed. “Sorry, did you want me to take the couch after all?" Kenny's heart was beating so quick, he felt like he'd just been electrocuted.

"No," Kota said adamantly.

"No?" Kenny was genuinely confused in his exhausted state.

"Kenny, come to bed."

He was hit with another jolt of electricity. It was the same demanding tone Kota had used when he asked Kenny to come home with him. "What?" Kenny uttered in bewilderment. But Kota didn't say another word, he simply pulled the covers back for him. This is what he was afraid of. He couldn’t let himself be this close with Kota again. He had no idea what to do, all he wanted was sleep. Maybe if he just got in the bed everything would feel normal and he could finally relax. It wasn’t like Kota would actually try anything. He was never one to demand that. Against his better judgement, Kenny climbed in and rested inches away from Kota’s warm frame.

Kenny was grateful that Kota remained on his side of the bed and didn’t move an inch. But he couldn’t stop fidgeting. His muscles were aching and he was trying to alleviate the pain by constantly changing positions.

“Kenny?“ Kota moaned groggily.

Damn it, he must have woken Kota up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. My back and…well everything hurts. Do you have any pain killers?” Kenny inquired. Usually he wasn’t a fan of pills, but he just needed some goddamn sleep.

“Yeah, roll over,” Kota demanded.

“What?”

“Roll onto your stomach,” Kota clarified. Kenny was confused as to how this would help anything, but he was so delirious that he just went with it. He felt Kota move beside him and then a weight across his back. _Holy shit_. Kota was straddling his lower back.

“What are you doing?” Kenny pleaded, his heart beating faster and faster. Suddenly two hands met his shoulders and began to massage.

“I know you hate pills, and this will probably work better anyway. Just relax.” Kota whispered the last two words.

That was going to be easier said than done. He was in Kota’s house, in Kota’s bed, with Kota on top of him giving him a massage. _Breathe Kenny. Just breathe_. He needed to remind himself over and over. Kota was always skilled with his hands. He knew exactly where the tension was and how to alleviate it. _Why did he have to be so damn good?_ Kenny knew he was letting out audible moans, but be couldn’t help it. Kota moved down his back slowly, making sure to give attention to every muscle. Kenny could still feel where he had hit the table in his match. He must have been bruised because Kota was gentler over the tender areas. Suddenly Kota shifted his body down, until he was sitting on Kenny’s upper thighs. Kenny’s body froze and became rigid. He could feel Kota against him. Feel his warmth, his everything. His breathing became rapid and shallow. He needed to stop this. It felt too good and he knew where it would lead if he let Kota continue. He cleared his throat.

“Thanks Kota. I think I’m good now,” Kenny insisted, in the most convicted voice he could muster. Kota stopped massaging, but didn’t move. Kenny’s heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest. “Seriously, I feel much better.” He felt Kota lean down over his back. He could feel his breath on the back of his neck. It sent shivers all the way down to his toes. He could feel Kota was hard, as he moved his hips against him. He felt lips press gently on the back of his neck and begin to trail kisses down his spine. Before Kenny could protest, Kota had flipped him over onto his back and was now straddling his crotch. Kota’s face was a breath above his.

"Kota-" He was cut off as Kota’s lips smashed into his.

"Tell me you don't want this," Kota commanded, as hot breath spread against Kenny’s lips.

Kenny couldn’t speak. It’s not that he didn’t want this. He wanted this more than anything. But he knew he couldn’t let this happen. It had already gone too far. "I don't…" he trailed off as Kota’s lips met his again. Kenny was unable to repress a moan. “S-stop.” It only came out in a whisper. He hadn’t even fully convinced himself that he wanted Kota to stop.

"Tell me and I'll stop," Kota demanded between kisses.

"Kota, I…" Another irrepressible moan escaped Kenny’s lips as Kota grinded his hips. It felt so good. _Too good_. "Stop!" Kenny screamed, pushing on Kota’s chest. Kota leant back, seeming genuinely shocked. Kenny surprised himself. He had no idea how he actually managed to stop this.

"Sorry," Kota whimpered, quickly rolling off Kenny and the bed. A look of disappoint was plastered on his face, as he covered his mouth with his hand. Before Kenny could stop him, Kota had already left the room. He immediately felt guilt run through him. A stark contrast from what he was just feeling.

"Damn it," Kenny muttered under his breath. He wanted it so badly. But he knew it wouldn’t end well. Nothing had changed, they still can’t be together and it would hurt so much more if he let this happen. It wouldn’t be fair to Kota or himself. He was doing the right thing, as terrible as it made him feel, he knew it was the right thing to do. He thought about running after Kota, but at this point he didn’t think it would achieve anything good. They could talk tomorrow when they both had clearer heads.

. . .

The next morning Kenny awoke late. He wasn’t sure when he finally managed to get to sleep, but he knew he hadn’t had enough. But there was no way he could go back to sleep right now. The realisation of where he was and everything that had happened last night crashed around him. He needed to find Kota and talk to him. It wasn’t going to be comfortable for either of them, but he owed it to Kota to explain last night. He didn’t want to leave before they cleared things up. He had a show later today but didn’t need to be at the building for a few more hours.

Kenny slowly made his way to the living room, only to find the couch empty. Maybe he was in the kitchen? As soon as Kenny entered the kitchen he saw his bag on the bench, but no Kota. On top of his bag was a note.

_‘Sorry about last night. I washed your ring gear and packed your bag. Sorry I got it so wrong. – Ibutan’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Augustana - Dust


	3. I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter but please welcome Matt and Nick Jackson, the best of all the best friends :) Enjoy!

_‘Sorry about last night. I washed your ring gear and packed your bag. Sorry I got it so wrong. – Ibutan’_

_‘Ibutan’. Why did he have to use that name?_ Kota knew what that name meant to both of them, and to just throw it in his face now, after all that had just happened… Kota knew bringing up that damn name would get under Kenny’s skin. Not too long ago it would have been the only thing that Kenny wanted to hear. Ever since Kota got injured and decided to leave DDT and New Japan, Kenny had been waiting for him to come back. He had been taunting him, hoping to inspire his return. He didn’t blame Kota for wanting to leave when he did. He probably would have done the same thing if he was in Kota’s situation. But for the longest time, he just wanted him back. Nothing felt right with Kota gone. They had spent so much of their career together, their life together, and even after they ended things, there was a small comfort in knowing that they were at least in the same company. That they could keep an eye on each other. When Kota left, Kenny lost his security blanket. He truly was alone. He thought he needed Kota back to feel whole again. But now that he was actually here, it was all too much. Everything was meant to make sense when Kota came back. It was all just meant to fall into place. But something in Kenny made him feel like he didn’t deserve it. Maybe too much time had passed, and too much had changed. Kota probably wouldn’t like the person he had become. How could he let himself get into this situation in the first place? He should have never agreed to come back here last night. He knew it was only going to end one way. What was he supposed to do now? Should he wait until Kota came home? What would he even say when he got back? How was he going to explain it? What could he possibly say that would make any of this easier for either of them? Anything he said would sound like a cop out. All Kenny wanted to do was keep from hurting Kota. And selfishly to keep from hurting himself as well.

Kenny looked at the clock on the wall. It was 11:27am. At some point, he needed to go see Matt and Nick to prepare for the show tonight. Maybe talking to them would help put things into perspective for him. He suddenly realised he hadn't gone back to the motel with them last night and didn't tell them where he was going. They were probably freaking out about where he was. He rummaged through his bag and found his phone. He had forgotten he'd turned it on silent so he didn't have to see all the messages of praise come through. There were multiple missed calls and texts from both Matt and Nick. He immediately called Matt back.

"Kenny?" Matt sounded worried. He could hear Nick in the background call out "is that him?", in a desperate voice.

"Hey Matt," Kenny tried to sound as normal as possible, to let them know he was okay.

"What the hell happened to you last night? We called the freaking hospitals, we thought you were dead you son of a bitch!" Matt roared.

Kenny knew they would be upset, he felt so guilty for not even thinking of them last night. "Shit, I'm so sorry Matt. I uh– want to go grab some coffee with Nick at the usual place and talk?" He couldn't have this conversation over the phone.

"Wha- Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?" Matt implored. The anger had faded, but concern was still evident in his voice.

"I'm not sure," Kenny answered. He really wasn't sure if he was alright. But then he remembered Matt had thought he was dead, so he should probably clarify and not worry him any more than necessary. "I mean yeah, I'm fine. Physically I am totally fine. I'll see you guys soon, yeah?"

"Yeah. Okay Kenny, see you soon," Matt affirmed.

Kenny then immediately rang a taxi, grabbed the spare pair of runners from his bag, lugged the bag over his shoulder and headed for the door. He didn’t feel right being in Kota’s house alone. He felt like an intruder. Like he was invading on a life that wasn’t his anymore. He knew he was still in Kota’s pants and his old t-shirt. Thankfully it was at least semi-presentable for public. Just before he reached the door, Kenny turned around and walked back to the bathroom. He opened the draw containing all the things of his that Kota had kept and emptied the contents into his bag. He thought less reminders of him would help Kota move on. The taxi beeped its horn outside. Kenny took one last look at all he had given up and closed the door behind him. 

. . .

Kenny arrived at ‘The Elite’s’ regular catch up place, a small Vietnamese coffee house. It was out of the hustle and bustle of the city, so there was less chance someone would recognise them. Both Matt and Nick were already seated, with three coffees on the table in front of them. _What sweethearts._ But they looked about as well rested as Kenny felt. He took a deep breath and walked over to them.

“Hey boys!” Kenny tried to as act casual as possible.

“Kenny! Thank God!” Nick exclaimed, standing up to wrap his arms around Kenny, almost knocking the chair behind him over.

“Dude, where the hell have you been? And what the hell are you wearing?” Matt questioned, tugging at the shirt on Kenny’s chest.

Kenny couldn’t deduce how angry he actually was. And he wasn’t sure the truth was going to make him feel any better.

“I swear to God, if you ditched us to hook up with some random…” Nick didn’t finish the sentence but Kenny inferred the sentiment. He didn’t know how to respond though. He knew Nick as only joking, but it probably looked like that’s exactly what had happened given his current state. He looked down at his overworn shoes and involuntarily sighed deeply, perhaps in an unconscious attempt to get more oxygen to his brain so he could function like a normal person again. 

“Kenny?” Matt’s voice was undeniably full of nothing but concern now.

Kenny cleared his throat and motioned for Nick to sit back down, as he took his own seat. “Okay, first of all I’m sorry I didn’t call you guys and had you worried. I turned my phone on silent because I didn’t want to deal with anyone.” Kenny paused.

Matt interjected, “Dude, you’re scaring us. What happened?”

Kenny continued, wanting to just rip off the band-aid, “I went home with Kota.” He avoided looking either of them in the eye as he said it. Both the boys fell silent for a moment, until Kenny finally looked up to see their reactions. Confusion seemed to be the consensual feeling.

Nick finally commented, “Sorry Kenny, I don’t know how to respond because I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

“Neither do I,” Kenny meekly responded.

“Well, what happened?” Matt sheepishly enquired.

“I fucked up is what happened.” Kenny was quick to answer. He knew he was making the boys uncomfortable.

Matt took a sip of coffee. “I’m probably going to regret asking this, but did you two hook up or…” He trailed off suggestively.

Kenny knew they wouldn’t want to know any intimate details, but he appreciated they were trying. “Not really,” Kenny paused again. “He came to see me in the locker room after you guys left and wanted to talk. Like _talk_ talk. And I just wasn’t really ready for that. I could barely think straight after the match and I really just wanted to be alone. Anyway, things got a little heated and he went to storm out and I had a slight panic attack. So, he took me home…” he trailed off. “I fucked up big time.” Kenny was beginning to breathe heavily as the weight of hurting Kota became real. “I should never have gone there. I gave him the wrong impression. I didn’t want anything to happen… Well, I didn’t know what I wanted to happen. But then it started happening, he was giving me a massage because I was in so much pain and…” Kenny paused to look at the boys and gauge their reaction. Their faces were unreadable. “Anyway, I let it happen for little while and then I stopped it. He was so heartbroken. And then I woke up in an empty house, alone, with a note of him apologising for getting the wrong idea. I’m such a fuck-up. What am I meant to do now?”

Nick was the first to respond. “What do you want to happen? Do you want to get back together with him?”

“You have no idea how much I want that, but there is no way it would work, that’s why I stopped it,” Kenny clarified.

Matt chimed in. “Sorry if this is a stupid question, but why not? You’ve made it work in the past. If you really want this then why not try?”

“It’s been so long and so much has changed. Were practically different people now. What if it doesn’t work?” Kenny contended.

“But what if it does?” Matt said the words that Kenny had been trying to ignore.

What if he had Kota back? What if everything really could be like it was before? So many ‘what ifs’ and so much doubt. “I don’t know if I can take that risk. Plus, I don’t think he wants anything to do with me now after last night,” Kenny reasoned.

“I think you should go talk to him after tonight’s show. Go apologise and talk about what you both want and just see where it goes. Don’t over think it. Because you are just going to regret what could have been if you never even try.” That might be the most logical response Matt has ever come up with. Matt knew it too because his face beamed with pride at what he had just said.

“Yeah, okay,” Kenny reluctantly agreed. “Thank you guys so much. You know I love you, yeah?”

“We love you too man,” Nick unabashedly concurred.

“Alright, enough love, can we talk about that crazy ass match you had last night? I mean, how are you even still walking?” Matt chuckled.

Kenny took a sip of his coffee and shook his head as a smile threatened to crack at the corner of his lips. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have these two in his life, and for that he would be eternally thankful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man


	4. I could put my arms around every boy I see, but they'd only remind me of you

New Year Dash went without a hitch. Even though it wasn’t with Matt and Nick, Kenny was glad he only had a tag match. He didn’t need to put in as much effort as he would have if it was a singles match. He had nothing left to give anyway. The last 24 hours had been a whirlwind. Every person he saw congratulated him on his match last night. Someone approached him backstage and told him that Dave Meltzer had awarded it six stars. It made him feel uneasy and he wasn’t sure why. He knew it was a good match and everyone was genuinely proud of him, yet he just felt off. Undeserving maybe? He couldn’t quite place it, but it was beginning to eat away at him. He wanted to talk to Matt and Nick about it, but they were heading back to America soon. He didn’t want to keep them and didn’t want to worry them just before they left. So, he decided to keep it to himself and hoped he would feel different in a few days after the adrenaline and hype wore off. He went with the boys back to the motel room and helped them pack up their things before they left. He saw the perfectly made bed that was meant to be his last night. A pang of guilt hit him. He usually told Matt and Nick everything, and never let them worry about him. But something about being with Kota last night scrambled his brain. The boys had an overnight flight so they were getting ready to head to the airport. Kenny was anxious to let them leave, but he knew they had families to get home to.

“I’m sorry again about last night. It won’t happen again,” Kenny promised.

“It’s all good babe. Go see him and sort it out,” Matt ordered. “And let us know if you need anything.” Matt gave him a pat on the back as he left the motel room.

“We love you bud,” Nick asserted casually, hugging him tightly.

“Be safe boys, we’ll talk soon,” Kenny replied, closing the door behind them.

Now Kenny was alone in the motel room. All alone. He thought that Kota might have been at the arena tonight so he could have talked to him there, but he hadn’t heard anything from him since last night. Matt was right; he needed to go see him. There were a million thoughts running through his head, but he couldn’t focus on a single one. What was he even going to say? How was he going to explain this? What the hell was going to happen next? What did he even want? He threw himself backwards onto the bed, arms spread out wide, and let out a deep sigh. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. _There’s no way it could be…_

Kenny dragged himself to the door, praying it wasn’t Kota.

“Hello sir, I’m sorry but you left this at the arena tonight. I am just returning it to you.” The man bowed as he spoke, holding out a bag.

Kenny felt a sense of relief that it wasn’t Kota at the door. But the bag the man was holding was the one he’d had at Kota’s last night. The one with all the things he had taken from the house. _How could I forget this?_ Kenny was pretty sure he knew the man. He was one of the road crew for New Japan. He was Japanese, yet his English was almost flawless. “Haru, right? Thank you so much. You didn’t need to bring it all the way down here,” Kenny replied, taking the bag from Haru’s hands.  

“It was my pleasure. I am staying just a few rooms down so it was no trouble,” Haru proclaimed.

“Oh, well thank you anyway.” Kenny bowed in return.

“Hey, are you okay?” Haru inquired. “You look upset.”

 _Shit. Do I?_ “Oh, no I’m fine, thank you. Just been a long few days you know?” Kenny sighed.

“Have you eaten?” Haru asked.

Kenny thought Haru had a kind face, but he never did pay much attention to anyone while he was at work so he had never noticed before. “Tonight? No, I was just going to raid the mini fridge or something.” Kenny really wasn’t feeling that hungry.

“I’ll go get you something,” Haru insisted. “Do you have any preference?”

“What? No, you don’t have to do that,” Kenny protested.

“Please let me. You look very tired and I wouldn’t want you to get sick because you are not looking after yourself.”

Haru was insistent. Kenny wasn’t going to be able to get him to back down. And it would be impolite to do so anyway. It was one of the things he usually loved about Japan, but tonight he just wished he could be rude. “Ahh, yeah okay. Anything will be fine. I’m not that fussy. Thank you.” Kenny was grateful that Haru was trying to be so nice, but he was confused as to why. Kenny wasn’t sure they had ever had a proper conversation before. He thought he best go shower before he came back. He still felt gross from the match earlier. Not that he actually expended that much effort, but he still managed to get somewhat sweaty.

. . .

Kenny stepped out of the shower, towel firmly tied around his waist. He heard a knock on the motel room door from the bathroom and quickly ran to answer it. _Either Haru was really fast, or I just spent an awful long time in the shower._

“I got some okonomiyaki with crispy pork and some onigiri to go with it!” Haru smiled widely as he held the food up beside his head.

It smelled amazing. “Wow, you got my favorite.”

Haru looked Kenny up and down. “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

Kenny realized he was still just in his towel. “Oh no, you didn't, I just needed a quick shower. Please come in. I’ll find some money for you.”

“There is no need to pay me. It’s my pleasure,” Haru insisted, waving his hand back and forth for emphasis.

Kenny hated being in anyone’s debt. But he knew Haru wouldn’t accept any money, so he wasn’t going to push it any further. “Thank you.”

Haru looked into the room and must have noticed the multiple beds. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you have guests?”

“No, I was staying with Matt and Nick Jackson, but they’ve already left to head back to America, so I’m alone tonight.” Kenny didn’t mean for that to sound quite so dejected.

“Would you like some company?” Haru offered.

Kenny would never admit it to anyone, but he hated being alone. As much as he loved down time to just do nothing, or play video games, when he was away from home, he liked to be with people. But he didn’t even know this guy. What would they even talk about? Kota entered his mind once again. He really needed to go and see him. If he didn’t do it tonight, he knew he never would. But then again, it would be rude to turn away the guy who just bought him dinner. Kota could wait another hour.

“Yeah, sure.” Kenny stepped from the doorway and gestured with his arm for Haru to enter. “Come in, I’ll go put some clothes on.”

Haru walked in and sat at the small table and chairs in the corner of the motel room, near the window. Kenny grabbed some clean clothes from his suitcase to get changed in the bathroom. _This is so weird. Why does this feel so weird?_ He’d had so many sponsored dinners before, but this felt extra personal for some reason. Probably because they were alone in a motel room together, and not at a restaurant with ten other people.

Kenny finished up getting changed into a clean t-shirt and some shorts, not bothering with shoes. It was a cool night but the motel room was warm, and he felt more comfortable in shorts anyway. He joined Haru at the table and began to eat. “Itadakimasu.”

“So, you’ve lived in Japan for a while, yeah?” Haru asked, after a few moments of silence.

Kenny nodded, a mouthful of pancake preventing a coherent response.

Haru continued, “How do you like it?” 

Kenny swallowed. “I suppose I consider it my home now. I spend most of my time here. I’ve got a place here. I don’t know that I could ever leave again to be honest,” Kenny declared. It was the truth. Kenny couldn’t see himself ever living anywhere else again, not after all this time.

“You speak Japanese, yes?” Haru took a mouthful of the crispy pork, and waited for Kenny’s response.

“Hai. I decided to learn it after I first came here nearly…” – Kenny had to think for a moment about how long he had been in Japan – “…nine years ago.” _Wow, that long?_

“What made you want to stay?” Haru asked, slightly muffled due to the mouthful of food.

What a loaded question, Kenny thought. In essence, it was because he fell in love. Fell in love with the wrestling here, with his job, with the culture, with the fact that he could get video games before they came out in America or Canada. But the most important reason was because he fell in love with his tag team partner. “There was just so much more for me here than anywhere else in the world.”

“It must have been hard to adjust,” Haru assumed.

“Yeah, it was. But I had amazing people around me who helped me a lot. I couldn’t have done it without them.” Kenny paused for a moment, realising once again just how grateful he was for the people in his life. “So, how did you come to learn English?”

“Oh, I fell in love. My partner was from England, and so I learned for him,” informed Haru.

 _Him?_ Kenny must have had a curious look on his face.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Haru muttered awkwardly.

“What?” Kenny exclaimed. “No, don’t be silly! I just…wasn’t expecting that. I uh– I know how you feel. I learnt Japanese so I could better communicate with my partner too actually,” Kenny confessed.

“Are you still with her?” Haru inquired.

“Him,” Kenny instinctively clarified. “And no, we parted ways a few years ago.” Kenny internally scolded himself for disclosing such personal information to a stranger. He quickly tried to change the subject. “What about your partner?”

“Same,” Haru shrugged. “It’s been a few months now.”

Kenny felt a sudden rise in tension within the room. He stuffed his face with a rice ball, trying to avoid having to feel the awkwardness. “The food is amazing, isn’t it?” Kenny mumbled through grains of sticky rice.

Haru nodded and laughed nervously. He must have felt just as uncomfortable as Kenny. The silence was becoming almost unbearable, but Kenny had no idea what to say to break it without making it worse. He just looked down at his food and hoped Haru would do something to help the situation. He heard Haru’s chair drag across the carpet. The shadow of his figure grew on the table as he stood up and moved towards him. Kenny refused to look up, fearing what was about to happen. He could feel Haru close beside him. He wasn’t sure if the radiating warmth was coming from Haru or himself. His heart began to beat faster.

“Kenny…”

Kenny didn’t flinch, didn’t answer, didn’t move. He focused his attention on the one shining curl that had fallen in front of his eyes. He felt Haru’s hand on his shoulder. Still he refused to acknowledge what was happening. He swallowed deeply. His mouth was suddenly very dry. Haru knelt beside him and grabbed both his wrists underneath the table. Kenny dropped the chopsticks he was holding onto the ground as his breath hitched. Haru stood and pulled Kenny with him until they were both standing. Kenny’s head was still down, refusing to look Haru in the eye. Haru began walking backwards, hands still firmly grasped around Kenny’s wrists as he led him to the unused bed and sat him down on the edge. Haru let go of Kenny’s wrists and again knelt before him.

“Just tell me to stop…” Haru uttered breathlessly.

Kenny was immediately transported to the night before when Kota had said practically the same thing. Haru’s hand began to reach for the hem of Kenny’s shirt. He was beginning to regret wearing shorts. He couldn’t shake Kota from his thoughts, but he also wasn’t stopping Haru who had begun to remove his shirt now. Kenny not only didn’t stop him, but helped by raising his arms, allowing Haru to strip him more easily. With his shirt now removed, Haru moved his attention to Kenny’s shorts. Kenny leant back on his hands and lifted his hips of the bed. Haru swiftly tugged at the waistband and pulled Kenny’s shorts down to his knees, exposing him. Kenny dropped backwards onto the bed. He needed a minute to collect himself and catch up with everything that was happening. But before he could do that, Haru’s hand slid up Kenny’s thigh, grasped him and began to stroke. Kenny’s thoughts were a mess. He didn’t know the last time he had actually been with someone else. It’s not like he had much time for himself these days. It was intense. He had forgotten how it felt with another person, and not just his hand alone at night. As much as he tried to avoid it, Kota entered his mind again. _This should be with him._ Haru was stroking harder and faster now, and Kenny’s breath echoed this. _Why am I not with him right now?_ The unmistakable warmth of lips and tongue replaced Haru’s hand and caused Kenny’s whole body to seize. _I want this to be him._ Kenny knew he shouldn’t, but he let his mind go there. Let himself imagine it was Kota who was touching him like this, making him feel like this, like he had done so many times before. He let himself fall for the delusion that he could be with Kota like this again. That it would be this easy. He was getting close and Kota was the only image in his mind. He refused to open his eyes and break the illusion. He wanted to stay in this moment forever, but it was becoming rapidly apparent it was about to end. Kenny tried to hold on for as long as he could. But in an instant, it was over. His eyes closed impossibly tighter. His hips bucked as he let out a pained moan. He still refused to open his eyes, he didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to acknowledge that what just happened was with anyone other than Kota. He wanted to live in the fantasy for as long as possible. But the world was cruel to him, and guilt and regret seeped in. He felt Haru climbing up his torso and Kenny instinctively turned his head to the side, to avoid kissing him. He wasn’t sure if Haru had swallowed, but he couldn’t feel anything sticky around his legs, so he assumed as much. This all felt too intimate, and he didn’t want that with anyone else right now. No one, but Kota. He needed to go to him right now. Kenny sat up and pushed Haru up with him, causing him to step off the bed. His head spun as his vision became momentarily fuzzy and dark. It took a moment for the blood to return to his head so he could function as normal again.

“I’m sorry, I really need to go,” Kenny hastily said, as he began to pull up his shorts, glad that he had nothing to clean up.

“It’s okay. I understand,” Haru replied, as he walked back towards the table they occupied earlier.

Kenny doubted that Haru really understood anything, because he himself didn’t even understand what was happening inside his own head. He picked up his t-shirt from the floor and pulled it back over his head, grabbed a pair of runners and slipped them on his feet. He paused and turned to the silent Haru. “I really am sorry, there is just something really important I need to do. Feel free to take as long as you need here.”

Haru simply nodded as Kenny virtually ran out the door, grabbing only his phone, keys and wallet on the way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2U
> 
> Fun fact: Kenny said in his AMA on reddit a few years ago that okonomiyaki was his favorite Japanese food.
> 
> *The name 'Haru' came from an anime I was watching called 'Super Lovers', it is not meant to represent anyone in particular.


	5. I should have known that it would end this way, I should have known there was no other way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like pain, angst, and stupid men? Then this is the chapter for you :). (I'm sorry, evidently I'm a masochist when it comes to these two). Hopefully you enjoy!

Kenny found himself standing in front of Kota’s door before he fully considered what he might say or do once it opened. The drive over was just a blur of lights and colors. But the familiarity of the door in front of him grounded him back in reality. He knocked softly. Having done what he just did, he felt like he had betrayed Kota. It wasn’t as if he had any commitment to him, or hadn’t been with anyone since they parted ways all those years ago, but this was less than 24 hours after he had spent the night at Kota’s. After he rejected Kota. He knew he was taking his chances coming here. He had no idea what was going through Kota’s head. But Matt was right; he needed to know why Kota came back what he wanted. Kenny didn’t even know what _he_ wanted. Well, that’s not entirely true. He knew exactly what he wanted, it was the logistics of it all that he wasn’t sure about. Everything was working against them. Kenny knew deep down that he was deluding himself for thinking they could ever actually make it work at this point in their lives, yet here he was.

The front door of Kota’s apartment creaked open, Kenny instinctively held his breath.

"Kenny,” Kota stated, apparently unsurprised to see him. “What are you doing here?"

Kenny exhaled. “Why did you come back?” The words left his mouth before it even registered.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kota coldly answered.

“It does! I need to know what you want,” Kenny pleaded.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kota reiterated. “You made it loud and clear last night what _you_ wanted.”

“Please let me explain,” Kenny insisted.

"There's no need, I understand. I thought you agreeing to come home with me meant something more than it did. Clearly, I was mistaken. I guess my judgement was clouded by what I wanted to happen." Kota’s head hung down, as he continued to stand in the doorway. “I’m sorry I put you in that position.”

"Jesus, please don’t apologize. Look, I don't know why I came back with you last night,” Kenny acknowledged. “I didn't want to hurt you anymore so I thought if I just did what you wanted I…clearly, I fucked that up and ended up hurting you anyway.” Kenny knew as he was saying the words that it was over. The look on Kota’s face told him that they couldn’t come back from this. There was so much pain, so much hurt on his face. And Kenny knew it was because of him. He hated himself for making Kota feel like that. He had done it once before, and he promised himself that he would never do it again. “Look, I shouldn’t have let you believe there was a chance that could happen again. Maybe it would be easier if I stay away completely, then I can't keep hurting you."

Kota looked up at Kenny and said with great sincerity, "Then why are you here now?"

 _Valid point_. "I don’t know.” Kenny paused to think. _Because I feel guilty._ He debated telling Kota about Haru, but decided against it, because it would only hurt Kota more. “Because I needed you to know that you didn't do anything wrong and last night wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that,” Kota declared. “Last night was all about you and what you wanted, or rather, didn’t want.” Kota was stoic, betraying no emotion.

“Damn it Kota, it’s not that I don’t want it. I just…I can't have that kind of relationship right now."

"Really?" Kota accused.

"What do you mean _'really'_?" Kenny involuntarily took a step backwards, putting some distance between them.

"I got a call from friend before you arrived. I asked them to check on you after last night because I was worried about you.” Kota scoffed, seemingly in disbelief at himself for worrying about Kenny. “They went to your motel room and some guy answered the door. At first my friend thought they had the wrong room, but the man said it was the right room and you had just left.” Kota paused, staring directly into what felt like Kenny’s soul. “Who is he?”

“No one, I–” Kenny quickly defended.

But Kota immediately cut him off, refusing to let him talk his way out of it or find an excuse. "Did you fuck him?"

"Kota!” Kenny scolded in sheer bewilderment of the words that just left Kota’s mouth.

“You smell like sex,” Kota was quick to note.

Kenny knew there was no use denying anything, he didn’t even want to correct Kota and say that it was just a blowjob. It wasn’t worth it and it wouldn’t matter anyway. “Why is it any of your business?" Kenny questioned without thinking.

“Are you serious? After everything–“

“I’m sorry, okay?” Kenny cut Kota off. He knew he had said the wrong thing but he couldn’t hear Kota explain how he had just hurt him again. How he should be better than this given all the years they devoted to each other. “I know…I know.”

"Why couldn't it have been me?" Kota's voice cracked. He suddenly seemed as if he was on the verge of tears, lowering his head once again to avoid looking at Kenny.

This was not the reaction that Kenny was expecting. He expected Kota to keep yelling at him, or tell him he was disgusting, or even slam the door in his face. His mind went blank thinking of a response. He reached a hand out to rest on Kota’s arm but it was immediately denied.

With tears threatening to spill over, Kota looked directly at Kenny once more and asked, "Why could you sleep with him but not me?"

Kenny honestly didn’t know the answer to that. He didn’t plan for it, Haru just happened before he even knew what was really going on. He needed to think of something to explain it to Kota though. "Because he didn't mean anything. He was a cheap one-night stand. I don’t even know him,” Kenny asserted. Kota was staring blankly back at him. He wanted to take the sting away somewhat. “Kota, I didn’t even kiss him.”

“Oh, well good for you,” the sarcasm painfully apparent in Kota’s voice.

“Kota, I came here straight after,” Kenny revealed. “All I could think about was you. While it was happening, I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Kota snapped, scowling his face in disbelief.

Kenny didn’t have a good answer. “I don’t know.” He felt uncharacteristically small.

“I was here the whole damn time! It could have been me! It _should_ have been me!” Kota finally screamed in his face, but then immediately retreated. “Why don't you want me?” He seemed to say it more to himself than to Kenny.

Why did he have to say that? _Of course, I want you_. Kenny's heart could hardly take this. “Kota, you’re different–”

As Kenny said it, something seems to shift in Kota’s brain. “I don’t have to be. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

The desperately pleading face of Kota was not lost on Kenny. But he was shocked that Kota would even consider that. It had never been about just sex with them, _never_. “Kota, why would you even want that?”

"Because it's better than nothing from you,” Kota declared, stone-faced.

Kenny’s heart was breaking for Kota. All he wanted was Kenny, in any capacity. But Kenny couldn’t give him that. For him it was all or nothing, and he knew he didn’t have his all to give to Kota. It would be unfair to both of them to fool themselves into thinking they could make this work right now. It would only hurt them more in the long run. Kenny tired his best to explain it to Kota. "There is one flaw in your logic. I never stopped, and will never stop loving you. You will never be just another fuck to me. I could never separate that with you."

"Kenny, that's not fair. You can't say that, yet refuse to be with me," Kota dejectedly asserted.

Kenny knew it was unfair. But life was unfair. He didn’t want it to be like this anymore than Kota did. “Come on Kota, why are you making this so hard for me?”

Kota became incredulous. “Hard for you? Are you serious?!”

Kota’s emotion sparked Kenny’s. “You think that every time I see you or someone mentions your name, I don’t want to immediately pick up the phone just to hear your voice? Or come here to see you? It kills me every damn time!” Kenny cried out.

“Then why don’t you just do it?!” Kota was in in face, he must have taken two steps forward. He could feel Kota’s warm breath against his lips. It was intoxicating.

“I want to be with you so badly,” Kenny whispered through heavy breaths as he closed his eyes, “with every fibre of my being. But if we let ourselves go there again…it just can’t work and you know it. We’ve tried it before. It doesn’t matter how much I love you. Our careers, our lives; it doesn’t work.” Kenny knew they couldn’t be seen in public together, couldn’t associate with each other backstage, couldn’t talk about each other in any other terms than kayfabe, couldn’t even spend that much time together due to their busy schedules, and the fact that Kota wasn’t even signed with New Japan just compounded the issues further. He still didn’t even know why Kota decided to come back now. Maybe Kota was right before, maybe Kenny did see his career as more important than Kota. They had put their careers ahead of each other before, and now all Kenny could think about was how all of this was going to affect that. As much as he wanted Kota, there were still things he needed to accomplish before he could even consider it. As painful as wrestling was, it’s all he knew. It’s why they came together in the first place, and it’s why they parted ways in the end. It was the one constant driving force in his life. And where he was now, Kota didn’t fit. Kenny knew it was selfish, but he had no choice. He had already come too far, and sacrificed too much. “I had to stop you last night or I would never have been able to let you go, and it would have ruined everything.” Kenny opened his eyes to see that Kota had retreated back again.

“Ruined everything?” Kota’s disbelief was obvious. “Why are you so hell bent on proving that you’re better than me?”

“It’s not that,” Kenny clarified. “I just need to know that I can do it on my own. To prove that I am good enough.”

“You don’t think you’ve done that already?” Kota heartfeltly asked.

“It doesn’t feel right yet,” Kenny admitted.

“Is it ever going to?”

There was so much behind those words. Kenny could hear all the hidden meanings. _Are you ever going to be satisfied with your career? Are you ever going to be at a point where you can take me back? Or should I give up on you completely? Are you just a hopeless dream?_ “I don’t know,” Kenny truthfully answered. “Right now, the timing is just wrong.”

“It seems like the timing is always wrong.”

“I know,” Kenny agreed. “I’m sorry, Kota. Maybe one day it’ll be right.”

“You expect me to wait for you?” Kota questioned.

 _Yes, please wait for me._ “I’m not saying that. Go out and find someone new, someone who can give you what you need.” Kenny couldn’t be selfish anymore. He knew Kota deserved the world, and right now Kenny couldn’t even give him the ground they were standing on.

“I need you, Kenny,” Kota asserted. “I don’t want anyone else. There’s never been anyone else but you.”

“Kota, we don’t even know each other anymore,” Kenny countered. “And right now, you deserve so much better than me and anything I can offer you.”

“Kenny, please don’t do this to me again.” Kota’s voice broke, and became impossibly weak.

Kenny felt like he was about to lose it. “It was never meant to be like this. I never wanted to do this again. That’s why I’ve kept my distance all this time. I’m sorry Kota, it's just too hard to control myself around you. It took everything I had last night. It takes everything I have every time I think of you.” Kenny paused in an attempt to maintain his composure. He took a deep breath. “I think it's best if we don't see each other at all anymore."

Kota was silent as tears began to stream down his face. The moonlight illuminating the glistening streak running down his cheek. Kenny needed to leave now, needed to get away from this place, and away from Kota. He had just told the man he loved more than anyone else in the world that he didn’t want anything to do with him. He willed his feet to step back, away from this old life that he had no right to anymore.  

"Please don't take them," Kota whispered through choked breath into the night.

It stopped Kenny in his tracks. "Take what?"

"The shirt and the things from the bathroom. I know you took them back, but they are all that I have left of you. Please at least leave me with them." Kota’s voice was strained, his face was becoming crimson-flushed as he tried desperately to hold back from completely breaking down.

"Kota, you need to try and move on."

"You don't get to tell me how to live my life if you're not going to be a part of it," Kota countered with vehement conviction.

And with that, Kenny's heart finally broke. Guilt like he had never felt before washed over him. “I don’t have them with me, I’m sorry. I’ll bring them back to you,” Kenny promised.

Kota stared through him. He was silent. Kenny had nothing else to say and evidently Kota felt the same. Kenny forced his feet to move once again, but just as he turned away, Kota spoke once more.

"And besides, you don't get to lecture me about not moving on. You wear those stupid tights you made so often that one day they’re going to rip apart and you won’t be able to fix them." Kota slammed the door before Kenny could respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Foo Fighters - I Should Have Known


	6. And I've moved further than I thought I could, but I miss you more than I thought I would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, got a little carried away with this one... I could endlessly write about their early days. There are so many more moments in their past that I could explore, so please let me know if that sort of stuff is of interest and I might try and weave it into the story somehow :) Anyway, please enjoy!! (and thank you for all the lovely feedback, I really do appreciate it!)

After leaving Kota’s, Kenny headed back to the motel. He arrived to find an empty room, with Haru nowhere to be found. _Thank God._ He knew he should feel ashamed about the way he treated him, but the only thing on his mind was Kota. As much as he tried, he couldn’t shake him from his consciousness. The torturous guilt of what he had just done to the man he loved consumed him. It was if he wasn’t allowed to experience anything else but the anguish caused by his own damn hubris. The expression that was plastered on Kota’s face remained burned into his brain. It was the exact same look Kota wore when they ended things all those years ago, but with one important difference. Last time, through all the pain, there was a glimmer of hope. A shared understanding that it wasn’t going to be forever. That they were doing it for each other. That when the time was right, they would both unquestionably return to one another. But this time, the look on Kota’s face was one of nothing but utter heartbreak and betrayal. Kenny thought they would both just know when the time was right. They were remarkably synchronized in so many aspects of their lives, he expected this would be no different. He assumed that when one of them was ready, there wouldn’t be any doubt for the other. But now there was nothing but doubt in his mind. It wasn’t meant to be like this. More than anything he wished he could just turn around, go back to Kota and tell him it was all a rib, that nothing had changed and their love was enough. But he couldn’t convince himself that was true. Maybe the stars only aligned for them once, and Kenny had already squandered his sole chance in favor of his own foolish ambition of proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he, and he alone, was the best. His head began to spin. He needed to go home. He didn’t want to think about anything. About stupid men, or wrestling, or having to get up tomorrow. He just wanted to curl up and play video games while the world around him disappeared.

Kenny left the motel and made his way back to his apartment in Katsushika. He was met with a pile of clothes that needed folding, dishes stacked in the sink and an unmade bed. _What mundane chores_. Kenny wasn’t the tidiest person and got by doing as little housework as possible, which included wearing the same outfit over and over to avoid having to do laundry any more than absolutely necessary. Usually he didn’t mind because he wasn’t at this house every day, especially when they had long tours, or time off when he could go back to Canada. And the fact that no one ever saw this place, that he never had visitors made it easier to not care. But the current state of his empty home only served to draw attention to the fact that he was barely holding things together, and emphasize just how lonely he really was. He grabbed Donkey from the floor, curled up in his cold, tangled bed and let unconsciousness embrace him.

. . .

Kenny was awoken the following morning by his ringing phone. He tried to ignore it, but whoever was calling was insistent. The screen was almost blinding as he looked to find the identity of the person who was disturbing him. Five missed calls from Matt, three from Nick and a bunch of text messages urging him to get in contact and let them know he was okay. _They must be home_. Another message came through from Matt–

_‘You promised you would never do this again. Call me NOW!’_

Kenny never wanted to worry the boys, but he had no idea where his head was at now. He was so tired, not just physically. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Kota shouldn’t have messed with his psyche this much. He had been without him for nearly two years now, and had managed fine. Well, he had survived at least. But now here he was, drowning in the tsunami of feelings Kota returning had dredged up. Feelings he long thought he’d buried. Kenny didn’t have the cognitive power to process Kota’s return on any rational level. _Why did you have to come back now, you son of a bitch?_ But it wasn’t just Kota. He’d never felt this way before. Japan had been his home for years, but right now he felt like a foreigner, like he didn’t belong for some reason. He needed to get away. He decided to reply to Matt before he could overthink things any more than he already had.

_‘Sorry, I need to take some time off’_

Almost instantly his phone lit up again.

_‘Time off from what?’_

_‘Everything. I’m going back home to Canada. I need to think – talk soon’_

_‘Be safe. Call me when you land – we love you!’_

Kenny was thankful he didn’t press the issue. He knew Matt and Nick trusted him to make his own decisions, and right now he was especially grateful for that. Without a second thought, he called the New Japan office to negotiate taking a break. With Suzuki-Gun back, and after the match he just put on, surely they wouldn’t have a problem with him going home for a little while. As soon as he got the go ahead from the office he immediately booked the first flight back to Canada and sent a tweet out to the world informing everyone he needed to step away from Japan. He didn’t know how long he was going to be away, but wanted to pack as little as possible, mostly because he had no energy to actually plan what he might need. While trying to organize himself, he remembered that the bag with his gear from the Dome and New Year Dash shows was still in his car. After bringing the bag inside, he went through it to see if there was anything he needed to take with him, but was confronted instead with everything he had taken from Kota’s house. The promise he made to Kota last night to return these things played in his mind. As much as he didn’t want to even think about Kota anymore, he knew he couldn’t let him down again. He didn’t want to give Kota any hope to cling to, but he couldn’t break this promise.

On his way to the airport Kenny stopped out the front of Kota’s house. It was raining. Not wanting to be drenched for his flight, he grabbed an old, clear umbrella from the backseat of his car and walked to the front door with the bag in hand. For a brief moment, he thought about knocking, but he doubted he would be able to string together a coherent sentence. He placed what Kota requested down on the door step and turned to walk away. But his feet refuse to move. The thunderous roar of the rain was almost deafening now. _This could be it._ This might be the last time Kenny saw this house ever again. Last night might have been the last time Kenny ever talked to Kota. He didn’t want it to end like that. Against his better judgement, he raised his fist to the door and knocked. He waited for what felt like an eternity before he resigned to the fact that Kota wasn’t going to answer. He lowered the umbrella from above his head and placed it over his belongings. It felt like the only thing he could protect. Crouching in front of the door with his head lowered for a moment, he wondered how it had come to this. The rain hit hard against the back of his head, soaking through his hair and trailing down his back. Taking a deep breath, he stood and slowly walked back to the car, unsheltered from the pouring rain, as a hollow sense of déjà vu resonated within him.

. . .

The time away from Japan was good for Kenny. He got some much-needed rest, caught up on some video games he had been wanting to play, watched a backlog of anime, and ate home cooked food from his parents. He even managed to take some indie dates he would never have been able to otherwise. And for once he didn’t have to shave his entire torso every day. Matt and Nick were in contact all the time. _Of course they were._ Kenny would have found it tedious and annoying telling them the same things each and every day had it not been the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him. They constantly let him know the were there for him and if he needed them to fly out to Canada, they would be there in a heartbeat. He thought about taking them up on the offer more than once, but refused to drag them away from their families. Of course, there were still interviews he needed to do after the match at the Tokyo Dome. It seemed like everyone wanted a piece of him all of a sudden. The ‘six star athlete’. _What a joke._ Usually interviews didn’t bother him, but now he was too often forced to describe how he got to where he was today. And the answer was the one thing he was trying to avoid thinking about, Kota Ibushi. He had to try and explain that he moved to Japan for a man he couldn’t even be around anymore, all without giving away anything real.

Having to talk about Kota and his early days in Japan brought up so many memories. As painful as it was, he let himself reminisce about old times. The memories played in his mind as if they were projected on a screen, like they didn’t even happen to him. Like they were just…old feelings.

The first time he ever laid eyes Kota was an intense experience to say the least. It was at a time in his life when he was obsessed with studying wrestling in Japan. He already knew that was where he wanted to be. He wanted to learn as much as possible about the style, and so would buy DVDs on the internet with his friends from all kinds of Japanese promotions. Often, he and his friends would pick something stupid looking to watch purely for entertainment purposes also. So, when he saw that some promotion he’d never heard of called DDT had a monkey wrestling in a ladder match, he thought that would be right up his alley. It was the silliest thing he had ever seen, and while his friends laughed it off as sleazy, he thought it was the type of wrestling he could see himself doing. He watched as much of the promotion he could get his hands on and was immediately enamored with one wrestler in particular. He just stood out from the rest and shone like a star. His movements were graceful, effortless, perfect. He was objectively the best in the entire company, maybe the entire world. He couldn’t take his eyes off him. Those with a more romantic disposition may characterize it as the old cliché of ‘love at first sight’. But that is essentially what it was for Kenny. Not in the sense that most people would define it, but more in terms of finding a kindred spirit. He had been waiting for someone to see wrestling the same way he did, and for the longest time he thought he would never find anyone who shared his vision. And that meant he had never had the opportunity to showcase what he knew he could. But seeing Kota Ibushi, he knew he had finally found someone who could help him prove to the world just what wrestling could be. They could push the boundaries together, make magic together. He needed to meet him. So, Kenny wrote him a love letter in a language they would both understand; wrestling. After that, his life changed forever. He uprooted his entire life on a whim, because he became infatuated with a man half-way across the world. Someone he had never met, never spoken to, and didn’t even know of his existence. It was simultaneously the stupidest and best decision Kenny had ever made in his life.

Kenny’s first match with Kota was everything he had hoped for and more. As soon as they touched, it was electric. It solidified everything he had made up in his mind about the Golden Star. In fact, Kota was somehow better than he ever imagined, if that was even possible. He really was just on another level. He remembered feeling so nervous that Kota wouldn’t feel the same way about him, that he would think he was just some happy-go-lucky curly haired Canadian who was out of his depth. He wanted to prove to Kota that he was as good as him, that there was another wrestler who could match him. And then they fought each other, and at that moment they both knew how special what they had was. They didn’t need to say anything to each other, they both felt it. The things they did in that match still make him cringe to this day, and the amount of trust they had in each other was nothing short of crazy considering they had just met. But the connection they had was undeniable. After the match was over, Kenny stood at the edge of the ring and cried before everyone he just wrestled in front of. It was an overwhelming feeling to have just found everything he had ever wanted. To feel like he had potentially just found his soulmate, at least in terms of wrestling. But he had only been brought to Japan for that one tour, so he feared that precious feeling would be fleeting.

Following their match Kota was asked to comment, which at the time Kenny couldn’t understand. Later, after it was translated for him by Michael Nakazawa, he knew it wasn’t over with Kota, it was just the beginning–

> _“Kenny Omega is an AWESOME wrestler! Power, speed, craziness, intelligence – everything is perfect. He is really a nice guy! He is the real Pro-wrestler. I couldn’t keep up with him during the match actually. Also, I felt something common between us. It’s like_ ‘Yes! That’s it!’ _He was great not only out of the ring but in the ring. I lost my memory after Michinoku Driver and then I noticed I was in the ring – now I’m pretty sure Michinoku Driver on the road is very dangerous! Also, I noticed fans were crazy as well. I’m so glad Pres. Takagi told me it was legendary match. I love Kenny Omega! He’s great!”_

_‘I love Kenny Omega’._ That is what Kota said after having wrestled one match with him and knowing him for all of about three days. He knew it was hyperbole, that Kota was just caught up in the moment and not thinking clearly. He couldn’t have really meant it. But it nevertheless made his heart flutter. Kenny knew he needed to stay in Japan, needed Kota Ibushi in his life. He needed to show him that their match wasn’t just a fluke. Because despite already proving to Kota that he was at least somewhat on his level, Kenny was still constantly waiting for him to realize he was a fraud. To tell him that he was in way over his head. So, when the company said they wanted him back, he knew it was his chance to prove himself. DDT saw the money in another match with Kota, but Kenny had other ideas. He felt just how special their singles match was and knew he needed to protect it. If they played their cards right and took their time, another one-on-one bout between them might just make history. But he knew he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to work in Japan, and he definitely didn’t want to part from Kota yet, so pleaded with president Takagi to allow Kota and him to team up. He thought for sure both the company and Kota himself wouldn’t be on board with the idea of a tag team, but they all agreed. The great Kota Ibushi actually wanted Kenny Omega to be his partner. So, by the next tour, he and Kota were officially tag team partners, dubbing themselves the Golden Lovers. From that point on there was no stopping his feelings from escalating. What they had was once in a lifetime. It wasn't some manufactured chemistry, they never had to fake anything, they just worked. As they grew closer and closer and learned more about each other, Kenny began to decode the enigma that was the Golden Star. He came to realize that the Kota he now knew personally was different from the person he was in front of a crowd. There were two sides to Kota that the public saw. There was the crazy, chaotic, spectacle of a man he was in the ring (or forest, or apartment, or river, or park, or alley) when he was performing. And then there was the subdued, somewhat awkward person he became when he was forced to do interviews or anything without his body as his main source of communication. Kota was able to express himself best through his wrestling and he did it effortlessly. It is what drew Kenny to him in the first place. So, it surprised Kenny to see how shy Kota was when he wasn’t working between two bells. But there was a third side to Kota that he didn’t think many people got to see. He couldn’t ever put it into words, but the vulnerability Kota showed to him behind closed doors made his heart feel like it grew three sizes. It made Kenny feel like he could truly be himself around Kota. He didn’t need to put on an act to try to impress him. They just understood each other, from the bottom of their hearts. What he shares with Matt and Nick is but a fraction of what he once shared with Kota.

Kenny immediately knew he was attracted to Kota from the second he first saw him, but it wasn’t just the shape of his body, the ridiculous anime hair, the soft freckles on the apples of his cheeks, or the flawless complexion of his skin. It was the confidence in his ability, the skill, the way he moved. Everything about Kota captivated him. Even the ‘imperfections’, like the way his eyes would turn inwards, especially when he was tired, or the way his teeth would protrude when he smiled. But he didn’t know if Kota felt the same way. Obviously, they played it up in the ring, but he wasn’t sure if Kota felt it any deeper than that. Although he had his suspicions, he had no idea if Kota was even into men. It wasn’t like he could ask anyone, or have Nakazawa translate a horribly awkward conversation. So, he kept their relationship strictly professional outside the ring. In the ring, he had a little more fun. It was more innocent when they were in front of a crowd. A kiss here, a lingering touch there all played into the story of the Golden Lovers. But all that changed one night, when his adoration for Kota transformed into more than professional.

Late one evening, after everyone had already gone to bed in the dorm, he and Kota took advantage of the empty practice ring. They went over some new tag team moves, perfecting their synchronicity. Exhaustion began to set in after hitting what might have been the fifteenth simultaneous 450° splash onto the crash mat. They had finally nailed it. The same jump height, the same rotation speed, and still landing flawlessly in perfect symmetry. Side-by-side, he and Kota remained motionless, prone in the middle of the ring. The only sound was the echoed melding of their heaving breaths. The adrenaline racing through Kenny’s veins almost burned as he suddenly felt warm hands on his hip and thigh pushing him over, flat onto his back. Kota then collapsed on top of him, hooking an arm around his thigh. It took a moment for him to realise what Kota was doing. "One...two...three." With each of Kota’s counts, his hand slammed into the mat beside Kenny’s head. “I win.” Kota didn't move off him immediately. Kenny became acutely aware of so many things all at once. First, just how much extended physical contact Kota and he were sharing. Second, just how ridiculously attractive he found this man, particularly in this state. Third, the fact that they were painfully alone. And finally, that his own breathing was becoming heavier as he felt Kota's arm resting between his thighs. He needed to move, to get Kota off him before anything embarrassing were to happen. As he began to move from underneath his glistening tag team partner, he felt every inch of Kota's arm drag across the front of his groin and immediately regretted his movements. He let out an involuntary moan that he internally cursed himself for. He was quick to his feet, keeping his hands down straight in front of him as he cleared his throat. He knew his face was flushed and his chest was heaving. He tried to read the look on Kota's face but couldn't make anything of it. The language barrier prevented him from being able to defend himself in any way, so he simply bowed in Kota’s direction. But Kota grabbed his wrists and pulled him back down to the mat. Kneeling in front of each other, Kota raised a hand towards Kenny's face and brushed a curl from in front of his eyes. Kota’s hand then came to rest in the crook of his neck, causing a tingling sensation to run down his spine. He noticed that Kota’s piercing eyes were focused on his, but his attention was drawn to Kota’s perfect lips as they parted slightly. He felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Before he could even take a breath, his trembling mouth was halted by Kota gently pressing his lips against him. They had done this before in the ring, in front of hundreds of fans. But this was different. It was both utterly terrifying and immensely pleasurable. Kenny became conscious of just how little each of them were wearing. They had seen each other practically naked in the ring countless times, and even more so in the locker room with the rest of the DDT roster. But there was something insanely intimate about there being no one else around. About it being just the two of them, in the middle of the ring, with no limitations. The sensations were overwhelming. The hot scent of fresh sweat from both Kota and him, the tingling of every hair on his body standing erect, the deafening silence of the empty warehouse, the uniquely distinct taste of Kota’s mouth. It was like nothing he had ever experienced. No words were exchanged as they both became increasingly desperate to feel more of each other. It took Kenny a moment to catch up to experiencing these same hands and lips in a different context now. Everything seemed to happen so quickly, yet time felt like it had slowed down. Like the universe was telling them to savor this moment. But as much as they tried, they couldn’t stop themselves from escalating things. They began tugging at each other’s trunks, trying to free themselves from all restrictions, while struggling to maintain as much contact with each other as humanly possible. _This is it._ It was the ‘all-or-nothing’ moment. There was no coming back from this. So, they dove in head first. After abandoning all their reservations, and their clothes, they touched each other. They fit into each other’s hands like they were made for this exact purpose. Kenny knew he was well-endowed, but it never bothered him how his partner fared in that department. Yet, from the numerous times he not so subtly observed Kota, he had deduced that this might be one area in which Kota was not as gifted as him. It might be the one thing he had Kota beat on. However, once he got Kota warmed up, they were nearly matched. At first it was soft and gentle, but they soon became frantic and desperate. It was difficult squirming to keep each other satisfied while getting caught up in their own arousal. But, just like with everything they did, they fell into unbridled euphoria in perfect synchronicity, as their cries echoed out into the hollow warehouse. From that moment, Kenny knew that Kota loved as passionately and as skillfully as he wrestled. And there was no escape for either of them. But that was perfectly fine with Kenny.

Kenny’s Japanese at the time was only slightly better than Kota’s English. He wondered how it was even possible to feel the way he did about someone he had never had a proper one-on-one conversation with. Sufficed to say, they found other ways to communicate. They spent countless hours exploring each other’s bodies. Every line, every muscle. Learning every blemish, and having to re-learn every time they gained a new scar. It was burned into Kenny’s memory. He knew every inch of Kota’s body. He had never felt so much luck in his life being able to place his hands on this man night after night. But it was hard in the early days before Kota bought his house in Tokyo. They lived in the dorm DDT put them up in, so it was difficult to find any privacy. Looking back, Kenny thought it was so stupid the way they acted, sneaking around like teenagers who would be scolded for being naughty. They were both absolute goofballs. Eventually they all found out anyway. He was glad he was in DDT at the time, because the boys in the locker room didn’t actually care that they would be all over each other in the corner. Half of them loved it, particularly Dino. It was a different story in New Japan though. They had to be a lot more conservative in the big leagues. But Kenny was never worried that their true relationship would be exposed to the public, because they could always hide in plain sight, under the guise of the Golden Lovers. That’s why it was a different story now. There was no protective veil for them. For years it was just the two of them. For so long he felt like he was in a different place, a different time, where only he and Kota existed. Those times were easier. Nothing was difficult, and nothing hurt. Wrestling was fun and good and he didn’t need to obsess over every move and about what people would think. He didn’t worry about being compared to anyone, or letting anyone down. He could wrestle children and blow-up dolls with his best friend, and could go home each night with someone he loved. Now, more often than not, he would go home alone. Of course, he had the boys in the bullet club that he would travel with, but Kenny was wired differently to them. He would spend most tours by himself when the others would go out to drink and celebrate, unless Matt and Nick were there. But even with them it wasn’t the same as it was with Kota. Kota made him feel like he didn’t need to have a care in the world. Like nothing could ruin their happiness. He wished he could go back to those times when he would wake up in Kota’s arms, have coffee in bed, eat ridiculous food at some fancy restaurant and end up at a theme park or arcade that night before crawling back into bed with the one good thing in his life. It all feels like a lifetime ago. He missed the simplicity of it all. He can’t even remember why he wanted to leave that all behind. He thought about how carefree he was back then, and wondered when it all changed. When he became so bitter towards it all. Why he became complacent with what he had. But it wasn’t until after he lost everything and it was too late that he realized what a mistake he had made throwing it all away.

He didn’t know how something he couldn’t even hold could take up so much space in his consciousness, or why he was torturing himself with all these memories he knew he could never re-live. There was so much praise being thrown his way right now. The ‘six star’ match. But he just felt empty. He thought this was what was going to make him happy. This is what he chose, over all those happy memories, over the freedom to do whatever he wanted, be whatever he wanted. Sure, he had the adulation of so many fans and even others in the business, but none of their opinions mattered to him right now. All the accolades in the world could not distract him from the fact that he was missing the one thing he had always needed. He knew he had brought it upon himself, that he was in this situation solely due to his own actions. But it didn’t make it any easier to swallow. He made his bed, and now he needed to lie in it, alone.

The time at his little cottage in Canada, the place he wrote his love letter to Kota all those years ago, felt unexpectedly empty. It was meant to be his home. He was supposed to feel safe and free here. Yet, he had this lingering feeling that he didn’t belong, like something was missing. Japan didn’t feel like home anymore. But then again neither did the house he was currently in. He was beginning to think that home for him might not actually be a place…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Amber Run - I found
> 
> [Link to the comment Kota made after their first match together](http://www.m-drop.com/archives/228) \- this also has Kenny's comments too if anyone is interested - also, I know the match itself is hard to find, so if you haven't seen it and want to, you can sign up to DDT universe free for a month and view it (there are some other brilliant Golden Lovers matches on there too that I haven't been able to find elsewhere) 
> 
> 'Donkey' is a stuffed toy monkey, as seen in [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfEsVdSD2N0), which Kenny recently [confirmed](https://twitter.com/KennyOmegamanX/status/900352515669020672) he still has (what an absolute dork)
> 
> On a side note, obviously some of the stuff in this chapter came from my own head, but I tried to incorporate as much reality into it as possible based on what Kenny has actually said/done in the past, like how he first found DDT, his initial thoughts on Kota, crying after the match, worrying he would only be there for one tour, perfecting their double team moves, living in the DDT dorm. Some of the stuff comes from the two shoot interviews Kenny did (links to previews below), but I know they are behind a paywall and not everybody has seen them. So, just let me know if you want clarification on if something really happened, or was cooked up in my brain ;)  
> [This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6A3Iv9HOTA) [one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKZmHYFSZnA) was filmed in August 2014, so he was still in DDT at the time. It's quite interesting to hear his perspective on things at that time in his life :)  
> [This one is from 2015](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksNi8f93zps)


	7. I had a hold on your soul, but I lost my grip, let you go, I should've carried us both

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't really sure how to tackle the time in between big events and moments because I didn't want to skip any large chunks of time, especially when Kenny and Kota were on the same shows and directly talking shit to each other. So hopefully this format/structure works. This one runs from Kenny's return to Japan in mid-Feb through until the end of the New Japan Cup at the end of March (which includes Kota's UK fireworks adventure) Enjoy :)

It had been a little less than a month of Kenny teasing leaving New Japan before he finally decided to return. He knew he would never actually leave. He never even entertained the idea in his mind. But he thought it would be amusing to fool everyone into thinking he might go to the WWE. The same place that Kota left him for. _As if I would go there._ Japan had always been where he wanted to be, so there is no way he would abandon it all just because he had reached what many considered ‘the top’. In Kenny’s mind, he hadn’t actually reached ‘the top’ yet. There were still things he needed to accomplish and wanted to experience. Since winning the G1 last year, his mission to become a legend actually became conceivable. For so long he really did think he was deluding himself for thinking that it was a possibility. But now especially, he could make it a reality. So, he needed to focus solely on his career, he couldn’t divide his attention, or let himself be distracted by anything. He couldn’t fail now. He had come so far and sacrificed too much to throw it all away. Kota returning reminded him of exactly what he had given up in order to reach the heights he was at now. And although it may have derailed him slightly, everything that happened with Kota only fuelled him to continue more. He was going to force himself to not make giving up Kota, again, in vein. He knew it was a long and lonely road, but the only thing he could do to have any chance of moving forward, was to throw himself back into wrestling fully. So many more people were taking notice of what he was doing since the Dome match. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone. The pressure he felt was immense, but that was exactly what he needed right now. It was the only way to force himself to not focus on everything he had just given up for the second time in his life. He needed to refocus on something he could actually achieve, like cementing his legacy. As hard as it was going to be, he needed to keep his arrogant, bordering on narcissistic, persona alive and get back to the grind.

. . .

He announced his return to Japan at the end of January and finally made it back in mid-February. He might have been happier about it if the first thing he needed to do wasn’t to re-negotiate contracts with the office, and shoot a bunch of silly vignettes for his big return. He didn’t even get a chance to breathe after getting off his flight as they whisked him away in a limousine. But once it was all done, he could finally head back to his apartment. Only he had forgotten that the state he left it in was less than desirable. He spent the next two days cleaning and organising, and trying to get himself back into the ‘I’m an elite pro-wrestler’ mindset.  

Kenny didn’t realise it was already Valentine’s day until he received a call from an old friend, Michael Nakazawa. He would probably forget what year he was in if no one reminded him. It was a tradition for them to spend Valentine’s day together. It began back when he was with Kota and still needed a translator, but even when Kenny became fluent, Nakazawa still tagged along. And when he and Kota broke up, Nakazawa and Kenny kept up the tradition. He couldn’t say no, so agreed to meet him at the karaoke bar they had been to countless times.

. . .

“Kenny!” Nakazawa called out from across the room as soon as Kenny entered the dimly lit karaoke bar.

“Nack!” Kenny smiled as he made his way over to the booth Nakazawa was occupying.

Nakazawa motioned a welcoming gesture for Kenny to come join him in the booth. “I’ve missed you man! I thought you might not have time for me anymore, now that you’re a big time main eventer,” Nakazawa joked.

“I’ve always got time for you, Nack,” Kenny assured, as he took a seat across from Nakazawa in the booth.

“Man, I always knew you were gonna do it one day, but you really went all out at the Tokyo Dome, didn’t you?” Nakazawa chuckled, patting Kenny on the shoulder in congratulations.

Kenny felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment. He’d heard praise from nearly everyone, but it always made him feel self-conscious when it came from someone so close to him. “It might have been my only opportunity to do it, so I had to give it everything, you know?”

“Well, you certainly did that,” Nakazawa responded, as he motioned for the bartender to bring them some drinks. “Oh, and nice job fooling everyone into thinking you were gonna leave. You had a few people scared.”

“Not you?” Kenny questioned.

“I know you too well. You’d never leave before…” Nakazawa trailed off as if he was stopping himself from saying something wrong.

Kenny knew exactly what he meant. “You _can_ say his name you know.” Nakazawa and Kenny always had a very open and honest relationship. They could literally talk to each other about anything. For a long time, before Kenny learned Japanese, Nakazawa was one of the few people Kenny could actually have a conversation with in Japan.

“I know,” Nakazawa cautiously stated, seemingly looking at Kenny for some sign that it was actually okay to talk about Kota. “He came back specifically for you, you know?”

That was what Kenny feared. That Kota left everything behind and came back for him, only for Kenny to treat him the way he did. What if he drove him away forever? “You talked to him?” Kenny asked quietly, feeling ashamed at his behavior and worried about what Kota might have disclosed to Nakazawa.

“Of course,” Nakazawa asserted, in such a manner that confirmed to Kenny that Kota had indeed told him everything.

Kenny felt extremely nervous all of a sudden. Nakazawa had been there through everything. He was the only one who knew every intimate detail of his and Kota’s relationship. If anyone could give him some ‘expert’ advice, it would be Nakazawa. “Nack, what am I meant to do?”

“You know I never had sides in this. I love you both equally,” Nakazawa replied diplomatically. 

Kenny rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. “Whatever,” Kenny mumbled sarcastically.

“Always so dramatic Kenny!” Nakazawa pointed out the obvious. “I honestly don’t have an answer for you though. There is no quick fix for this one. The situation you guys are in is so… let’s say unconventional. But I suppose you two never did do anything conventionally, did you?”

“I suppose not,” Kenny agreed.

At that moment, the bartender arrived with two cokes. Kenny didn’t drink alcohol, but Nakazawa usually would on an occasion like this. “Not drinking?” Kenny enquired.

“Nah, I’m getting too old for that shit. Getting too old for a lot of shit.”

“I hear that,” Kenny concurred, raising his glass for a celebratory toast to growing old and bitter. “Hey, I want to thank you for looking after him in America. It meant a lot to me.”

Nakazawa nodded. “Well, you did ask me to.”

“I know, but you didn’t have to do it.”

“I told you I love you both the same, so I didn’t do it just for you. You forget sometimes that the world doesn’t actually revolve around you, even if you think it does,” Nakazawa mocked.

“That’s what you think,” Kenny countered. They both laughed and for a brief moment, all felt good in the world again. But there was still something missing. “Does he…” _Hate me? Love me? Never want to see me again?_ Is what Kenny wanted to ask. But something stopped him from doing so. He didn’t actually want to know. It wouldn’t change anything, and would probably just make him feel miserable to know the truth. Kenny cleared his throat, and changed his question, “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

“That you were keeping an eye on him when he was in America?” Nakazawa queried. Kenny nodded in affirmation. “If I had, do you think he would have stayed away for as long as he did? I wanted him to succeed, not to be hung up on you. He read the comments you made about being lonely and waiting for him, but he just thought you were mocking him, playing up your character. If he thought for a second you actually cared, he would have come home to you immediately.”

 _Ouch_. “So, why did he come home now?” It was the one question that was haunting Kenny the most. “Of all the times he could have come back, why now?”

Nakazawa looked down, as if he wanted to avoid the question. “Uh…” He took a sip of coke as Kenny stared through him. “He actually came home when you won the G1.”

“What?” Kenny asked, dumbfounded.

“He was there the night you won. He saw it live. He dropped everything to come back and be there,” Nakazawa spoke quickly and quietly, as if he wasn’t supposed to be saying this.

“Why didn’t he come see me?” Kenny would have given anything for Kota to be there that night. All he wanted after that tour was Kota. If he had come to see him then, things might have turned out much differently. 

Nakazawa shook his head. “I think you should ask _him_ that.”

Kenny wondered if he would ever even get the opportunity to talk to Kota again after the way he treated him. He allowed himself to have a moment of vulnerability. “I miss how things used to be, Nack.”

“So does he. And so do I, to be honest,” Nakazawa responded earnestly.

“I know,” Kenny acknowledged. “It fucking sucks!”

“You never did get over him, did you?”

Kenny shook his head. “Not even slightly.” The tension was getting a little too high for Kenny, he felt like he needed to lighten the mood. “But I can’t have peasants like you two holding me back.” Kenny could barely contain his laughter at the ridiculous voice he had just put on.

“What an evil anime villain you have become Kenny,” Nakazawa replied, deadpan.

 _Does that make Kota an anime hero in that mask?_ “What can I say, I’ve been practicing. Not sure I’ve perfected it yet, but there is still time,” Kenny chuckled.

The rest of the night was filled with laughter. The topic of Kota Ibushi was thankfully buried as they caught up on stories they had missed in each other’s lives since they last saw each other, and promised to not wait until next Valentine’s day before they saw each other again.

. . .

Fortunately, Kenny was able to return to the ring at Honor Rising, a pair of joint shows with Ring of Honor, which meant Matt and Nick would be there with him. Those boys had become like his second family, his second home. They arrived a few days before the shows. They claimed they came early because the flights worked out easier and cheaper, but Kenny knew it was because they wanted to check on him. He wasn’t going to complain though. Everything was easier when those two were around. Adam Cole and Cody were also on the tour. They filmed some stuff for ‘Being the Elite’, did a Q and A, went out for dinner, signed some merch, did a photo shoot, and just enjoyed each other’s company. It felt great to finally be back in a routine. As chaotic as that routine was, at least it was keeping his mind occupied. He teamed with Adam on the first night, and with Cody and the Bucks on the second night. Naturally, he had the main event slot both nights. He forgot how good wrestling could feel when he was doing it with people he loved. Being able to get ready with them, go to the arena together, tag with them, make sure each other were okay after the match, and then go back to the motel together to do it all again the next night. It’s how it should be. He didn’t feel any pressure. He knew they had his back and nothing bad could happen. But it was short lived. It only lasted a few days which went by way too quickly. He wished he could have held onto that feeling for just a little while longer, especially because he didn’t know when it was going to happen again.

. . .

Kenny never felt it necessary to look ahead to future shows if he wasn’t main eventing, or didn’t have an important match. If he didn’t need to plan his match in advance, he liked to not think about it at all. He felt like he worked better that way. So, he made it a point to not check who was booked for the tours, because it didn’t really matter and things changed all the time anyway. He just showed up where and when they told him to. In hindsight, that may not have been the best course of action this time. The next event was a New Japan Road show. They were never important. Nothing of note usually happened on them. Everyone takes the opportunity to somewhat phone it in at these events. So, when Kenny arrived at Korakuen Hall, he was more than a little stunned to see Kota Ibushi standing in the locker room. Before he could make eye contact, he immediately turned the corner to avoid having to interact with him. A sense of unease settled in him. Apparently, the match had been made for ‘Tiger Mask W’ vs Okada at the 45th Anniversary event. _Was I that out of the loop?_ He resolved to texting Nick.

_‘Did you know that he was going to be facing Okada?’_

Even with the time difference, Nick replied almost instantly.

_'He? You mean Kota? Yeah’_

Of course Nick didn’t immediately know who _he_ was. He sometimes forgets that people can’t read his mind. Actually, he was grateful for that fact.

_Why didn’t you tell me?’_

_‘You didn’t know? We assumed since you didn’t mention it you just didn’t want to talk about it. Sorry man’_

_‘All good. Sorry if I woke you’_

_‘No worries. Let me know if you want to talk. Love you’_

It never even crossed Kenny’s mind to keep up with what Kota was doing. He didn’t think for a moment that Kota would actually come back to New Japan and he refused to torture himself by following his every move. He didn’t want to know if Kota stayed in Japan, or went to conquer some stupid indie promotion, or went back to the WWE. Although the thought of calling him crossed his mind every single day when he was back in Canada, it wouldn’t have done either of them any good. Plus, Kota didn’t try and contact him once either. Kenny wasn’t sure if that was because Kota was respecting his decision or because he hated his guts. Either way, it didn’t matter, he had told Kota to move on and he was trying to do the same. But now he wondered who was doing a better job of it. He didn’t know if he should talk to him and ask him why he came back, or just leave it alone. They had managed to avoid each other in the same locker room before, so they could do it again if they had to. He decided to wait and see what Kota would do. Which in the end, was nothing. They dodged each other the whole show. It was horribly awkward. And Kenny had to now prepare himself for the same thing at the anniversary show.

. . .

Kenny’s match at the anniversary show was early in the night. He thought about going home immediately afterwards, to minimize the amount of not-so-stealthy evasion Kota and he would need to engage in. But he wanted to see Kota’s match, to see how he was going to do when the spotlight was on. He didn’t know what to feel watching him, but he was reminded of just how good Kota was. Every single time he watches him wrestle, he’s awestruck. You’d think the novelty of the spectacle that is Kota Ibushi would wear off with repeated exposure, but Kenny was astounded every time. He made everything look effortless, like he could do this in his sleep. He really did have the Midas touch, turning everything he touched into gold, even when he was wrestling in a stupid mask. But Kenny still couldn’t fathom why he wanted to wrestle as Tiger Mask W and not himself. Why he would squander his talent like that. His sickening athletic ability was hypnotizing. But covering up his perfect face detracted so much from the brilliance Kenny knew Kota could show.

Once Kota’s match was over, Kenny’s curiosity became too overwhelming. He needed to know why Kota didn’t want to be himself. As he approached Kota in the locker room he became astutely aware of the tights he was wearing, and the comments Kota had made about them. He felt the apprehension, but his resolve didn’t falter. 

“Hey Kota, can I ask you a question?” Kota didn’t exactly respond, but he didn’t say no either, so Kenny saw fit to continue. “Why are you wearing a mask? Why did you come back if you are just going to be playing a character?”

“I’ve been playing a character in your story for years now, so it seemed appropriate.” Kota’s voice was as cold as his stare.

The ease with which Kota was able to say those words almost winded Kenny, but before he could say something along the lines of, _“that’s not true”_ or _“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that,”_ Kota began walking away. Kenny did nothing to stop him. He shouldn’t have let Kota get under his skin, but he had somehow weaved his way in underneath Kenny’s barrier. Just the sound of his voice made his skin crawl. But he couldn’t let show just how much Kota’s return affected him, or that he was beginning to doubt his resolve. He had another show the next night, but thankfully he had a reprieve from the presence of Kota.

. . .

A few days before the New Japan Cup tour, Kenny had been asked by the office to make an appearance for a special on TV Asahi. He had no idea what it was for, but like always he just did what they told him to. However, when he arrived and realized he was being honored as the 15th greatest wrestler in Japan’s history, he was pleasantly surprised. That was until he went out to accept his award and saw Kota’s face amongst the people sitting in the ring. He prayed he wouldn’t have to interact with him, but then they asked Kota to speak and played footage of their days as the Golden Lovers. Kota praised his power, stamina and speed, but the one thing that stood out to Kenny was that Kota said he still wants to face him one day. That had been the furthest thing from Kenny’s mind for so long. He didn’t think Kota still wanted that. They had told each other they would never do it again unless the time was right. And just like any prospect of rekindling their relationship, the time had never been right for them to have another match. Kenny thought it may never be right again, for either of those things.

Kenny saw Kota sitting backstage afterwards. He debated in his mind whether he should talk to him, whether he should tell him that he still wants the same thing, that he wants this match to happen one day. Could he really ask that of Kota? Ask him to stay for a theoretical match that might not ever happen? All the while refusing to give Kota what he really wanted from him.

Kenny finally mustered the courage to speak. “I didn’t know you were gonna be here.”

Kota looked at him curiously. He didn’t respond for a moment. Kenny realized he hadn’t put a shirt on when he noticed Kota’s eyes tracking downwards. For some reason he became extremely self-conscious, even though he had no reason to be. Kota had seen every inch of him countless times, but there was something unnerving about the way Kota was looking at him now.

“Yeah, I guess they wanted someone who knew you well. And I said I knew you,” Kota coldly stated, as he brought his eyes back up to meet Kenny’s.

Kenny pursed his lips together and nodded. “Past tense duly noted.” Kota did nothing but stare back at him, with a blank look on his face. Kenny didn’t want to push it, but he needed to know. “You said some interesting things out there, did you mean it?”

Kota didn’t speak, but the corners of his lips turned upwards into the faintest of smiles, or was it a sneer? _Is that a yes?_

“Part of you must still want it.” Kota wouldn’t have come back and said he wanted to face him again if he didn’t really mean it. He was incapable of putting on a convincing act if he didn’t really feel something. “Why won’t you commit then?” They both knew this match could never happen if Kota wasn’t signed with New Japan, or at least gave them some indication that he would be sticking around, preferably without a mask.

“I did commit. For six years. Look where it got me.” Kenny knew Kota wasn’t talking about wrestling contracts anymore.

“Kota, you’re where you’re at right now because you chose to walk away. You had the option to stay, but you threw it all away. That had nothing to do with me,” Kenny contended.

“That had everything to do with you,” Kota countered. “But you’re right, I did make a choice. In spite of you, I chose to do something for myself, just like you did. Please respect that.”

“And you coming back now…was that something you did for yourself or for me?” Kenny sheepishly asked.

“You’d love it if I got down and told you it was all for you, wouldn’t you? Well, I refuse to give you the satisfaction,” Kota retorted.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just need to know. People know of our history, I need to know how much you’re willing to continue it,” Kenny pleaded.

Kota scoffed. “You don’t get to decide my fate, okay?”

. . .

He knew the special wasn’t going to air for a few days, so he couldn’t say anything about it publicly. Maybe that was for the best. The New Japan Cup tour would be starting soon. He hated tournaments, but hopefully preparing for it would be enough of a distraction to keep his mind off Kota. He had heard that Kota had decided to go to the UK for some indie shows, so he didn’t need to worry about accidentally running into him. However, the morning of his first round match against Ishii, the TV Asahi segment finally aired. He didn’t want to just ignore it, so he decided to send out a tweet. Sometimes he felt like that was when he was most articulate. He needed to find a way to blur the lines between reality and kayfabe. He thought maybe the only way they were ever going to be able to move on, both personally and professionally, is if they meet each other in the ring. It might be the only place they can communicate properly –

> _‘Even after so long, I never forgot about you. I had so much I wanted to say - so much to tell you. Maybe in the ring.’_

He wasn’t sure it would be enough to inspire Kota to stay, but he needed to try something. He didn’t expect Kota to reply. But he got a simple response –

> _‘We will continue’_

That was all Kenny needed to fill his heart with hope that one day everything would just work. Kota might stick around long enough to make this happen. Kenny knew that for that to happen he needed to stay on top. His match with Ishii later that night was his first singles match since his return. He needed to perform, even though he was scheduled to lose. For once he was actually happy about losing. It meant he could take it easier for the rest of the tour, and it played into his story nicely. To his detriment, he was all about telling compelling stories.

Following his match, Kenny was scrolling through twitter to get his usual ego boost. What he was not expecting to see were videos from Kota’s matches in the UK. Kota’s free spirit and inability to conform to anyone’s expectations was equal parts awe-inspiring, and infuriating. It was the exact thing that make Kenny fall in love with him. But now, it just frustrated him. It was not lost on Kenny that at the same time he was giving his everything against Ishii, Kota was riding bicycles into people, shooting fireworks at his own chest and moonsaulting off cars in an alleyway. All he could think was how Kota was wasting his potential. They both knew what he was capable of. In fact, it was the one thing Kenny knew with 100% certainty; that Kota Ibushi could literally be the best pro-wrestler in the world, if only he wanted to be. So, why was he doing this? He had the most natural ability of anyone he had ever seen and he wasn’t using half of it. When they went their separate ways, they were both supposed to become better and then find their way back to each other. But Kota had gone in completely the opposite direction. Kenny was so furious at Kota, he just wanted to yell at him to be better, to do more. Nonetheless, he had to finish the New Japan Cup tour, once again alone. Knowing that Kota would rather play pyromaniac in alleyways than finish their story.

But once again, just when Kenny thought he had lost all faith in Kota, he said exactly what he wanted to hear –

> _‘I would like to team with him again, but I would like to wrestle him again too. I know I must face him again. If it happens, it would possibly be the best match in the world.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Lewis Capaldi - Lost On You (if you haven't heard of this guy I urge you to listen to him. The live versions of this and 'bruises' are flippin' amazing) 
> 
> Some links if anyone is interested :) -   
> [Kenny's comments about being lonely/waiting for Kota, and Kota saying he was at the G1 final when Kenny won](http://enuhito.com/eng/?p=611)
> 
> [The TV Asahi segment](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwZPVHnEe28)
> 
> [Kota’s comments in the UK about wanting to face Kenny again](http://metro.co.uk/2017/03/13/kota-ibushi-talks-wwe-kenny-omega-and-setting-fire-on-the-streets-with-xwa-6505768/#ixzz4rQv4SuG7)


	8. I remember one evening in the pouring rain, and in my heart was an aching pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll want some more reminiscing from Kenny? Either way, here it is! These memories are not as fun/happy as last time, but alas, it's a major part of their history I couldn't neglect any longer. Plus, it leads to a pretty interesting conversation in the second half of the chapter. Enjoy! :)
> 
> P.S - Sorry for the slow update, I was finishing up my final exams, so this got put on the back-burner for the last few weeks. And then I had major writer's block when I tried to get back into it. But I'm finished with uni for the year, so should be relatively smooth sailing from here :) 
> 
> On a side note - I really thought we were gonna get our Golden Lovers match at Wrestle Kingdom next year (considering all the teasing and drama), so that's the direction I had been writing in, and where I planned for this story to culminate. But considering the events of Power Struggle, I've got to re-work some stuff. So bear with me trying to keep up with Kenneth intentionally leading everyone in one direction and getting our hopes up, only to rip it away. What an absolute dick.

The Sakura Genesis tour was largely uneventful, which is exactly what Kenny was hoping for. A few weeks of tag matches where he didn’t need to impress anyone felt like a welcome reprieve for once. Apart from the loneliness he felt without Matt or Nick ~~or Kota~~ by his side, he managed fine. That was until the final night of the tour, when Kota was on the show once again. For someone who had a hard time committing to any one company, Kota sure seemed to make his presence known wherever he went. Kenny fleetingly thought that Kota might be doing it solely to annoy him, or get back at him. If that was the case, it was definitely achieving the desired effect.

Kenny had known in advance this time that Kota was going to be working that night, so it shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did. Nevertheless, seeing Kota – or rather Tiger Mask W – go up against Bullet Club and lose sat heavy in his chest, even if it was just in an inconsequential tag match. He knew he was overanalysing it, but the fact that Kenny was also in a meaningless under-card tag match meant he had too much time to think. Too much time to think about what happened two years earlier in this same building, at this same event – even though the name might have changed.

Kenny had a love-hate relationship with Ryogoku Sumo Hall. He had performed there numerous times throughout his career. It was home to one of his greatest moments; winning the G1. But it was also home to one of the worst nights of his life; when he jumped onto the apron and cost Kota his match against AJ Styles at Invasion attack almost two years ago to the day. But that wasn’t what ate at him. They had planned that spot, so he had time to prepare himself for the performance he needed to put on. What he wasn’t able to prepare for was how that moment would change everything. How that night became the catalyst for everything that happened in the last two years, and consequently the current situation he found himself in.

As he sat outside the arena after the show, having managed to avoid Kota all night, he couldn’t stop himself from conjuring the memory of something he had kept buried for so long – the night they ended things.

It was a long time coming. Deep down Kenny knew that he had always wanted to create his own legacy and never wanted to be second best to anyone. But he never did plan for Kota Ibushi, who managed to distract him from that dream for six incredible years. He and Kota always had the same philosophy about wrestling; for what it could be. So, for a while he thought the two of them could create history together. That he would be content sharing any accolades with his tag team partner. And for a while he was satisfied with that. But at some point, something changed in Kenny, and he wasn’t quite sure when it happened. Maybe it was because he realized he was getting older. Maybe it was because he was waking up in pain every day. Maybe it was knowing he hadn’t made the impact he wanted yet, and couldn’t in his current position.

That’s not to say he wasn’t happy with everything he had accomplished up until that point. He was so proud of everything he and Kota achieved together, both as a tag team and against each other. The peak of which was undoubtedly selling out Budokan. It was a far cry from the few hundred that they drew for their first match, and it proved to many people, including themselves, that they could be seen as credible, legitimate singles competitors, and could draw a crowd doing it. Sure, Kenny had plenty of singles matches before both in DDT and other promotions, but never on this scale, and never with this much acclaim.

Kenny wished he had the stage to showcase himself like that more often. But the opportunities were few and far between for a homo-erotic, comedy junior tag team in a perceived sleazy indie company like DDT. Somewhere along the way he realized they were never going to break out of that mold, and Kenny wanted more. He wanted to be taken more seriously; be seen as an all-rounder and not just as a creep who wrestled children and dolls, with the occasional good match that no one ever saw. He wanted his legacy to be in Japan, and he hadn’t cemented that just yet. He was at his physical peak and he knew he would regret it if he could never reach his limit when he was at 100%. He knew his days were numbered and he needed to start thinking about his future.

Until that point, Kenny had never really thought too much about the future, because nothing was ever guaranteed in this business. But his somewhat humble dreams had magnified with time. At first, he thought the end game was just getting to Japan. Yet with each new accomplishment, he became unable to satiate the hunger to do more. Moving to Japan wasn’t enough. Achieving everything he did in DDT and with Kota wasn’t enough. Winning titles wasn’t enough. Having match of the year wasn’t enough. It was never enough. He didn’t know when it would be enough, where or when it was going to end, but he felt like no one had seen his true potential yet. His childish fantasy of being a professional wrestler had come true and he couldn’t just let it slip away. He needed to challenge the best of the best while he still could and, apart from Kota, those people were in New Japan.

Kota noticed something was up – of course he did. Kota was already mingling with the heavyweights in New Japan since entering the G1 in 2013, but Kenny was mostly just there as Kota’s tag team partner. He had been able to somewhat show what he was truly capable of in New Japan, but the only time he was able to present himself as an individual was in the Best of the Super Juniors. Because of that, they saw Kenny as nothing more than another junior. Unfortunately, that’s all he would ever be because he was yet to prove himself to the office as anything more than that. But there was only so much he could do as a guest. If he wanted to do this, to prove himself on a bigger stage, he needed to bet on himself and dedicate everything he had to New Japan. And that meant parting ways with Kota, and separating himself from the Golden Lovers. Together they couldn’t achieve all they wanted. As a tag team they would always be juniors in New Japan, even though Kenny wanted to be a heavyweight eventually. People would always associate them with the silliness synonymous with DDT, but Kenny wanted to be taken more seriously. Constantly relying on each other meant Kenny would never have the singles success he craved. As a tag team they knew they could never main event the Tokyo Dome, even though that was their ultimate dream.

In the end, it was Kenny’s decision to break up the team, leave behind the Golden Lovers and sign with New Japan on his own as a junior. He wanted, no he _needed_ to prove he was the best junior heavyweight in the world, and then with time, the best heavyweight in the world as well. Kota would have been content with just staying his partner forever. He never worried about being perceived in the wrong way, or people underestimating him, or not being able to show off all he was capable of. But Kenny needed more. Kota was able to live his dream of being a heavyweight singles competitor and Kenny’s partner at the same time. But Kenny wasn’t in the same position, and he needed to focus all his energy on New Japan if he was going to accomplish anything of worth on his own. He knew he would have to claw his way from the bottom, but he needed to at least try. It physically hurt to remember Kota agreeing to it; he was so understanding, so encouraging. He believed in Kenny so much more than Kenny believed in himself. He wanted Kenny to achieve his dream, even if that meant he had to sacrifice what he wanted to make it happen.

Before their last match together they made a promise to each other; that Kenny would work his way up to becoming a heavyweight, and when he finally made it, Kota would be waiting there for him. They had always said they would never do another match together _unless_ the situation was right. So, they made the promise to one day create that situation themselves. They would both try their absolute hardest to be the best, to build up their story, and challenge each other in one final match together on the biggest stage they could, when the time was right. They wanted to promise that they would be the Golden Lovers once again, but they didn’t want to use that as a crutch. They didn’t want to give themselves the option to fail as singles competitors and just fall back into what was comfortable.

They stayed together for a while after Kenny left DDT. Kenny saw no reason why they couldn’t continue their relationship in secret. Even without the Golden Lovers, they knew they would always love each other. They both knew things would be different having to sustain their relationship in private, but Kenny didn’t realize just how hard it would be.

Kenny re-debuted as ‘The Cleaner’, making it a point to craft his new persona to be as different from goofball, weeaboo Kenny as possible. He needed to be the dastardly gaijin, regardless of the fact he had called japan home – or at least a second home – for years now. He needed to erase his past self and change his whole character in order to be taken seriously. He stopped using the Hadouken, refused to dye his hair any color that would be considered in any way suggestive, and wore all black in his big matches.

All seemed to be going well until Kenny’s in-ring debut at Wrestle Kingdom 9. It was his first real match on the big stage, his first impression, his first performance without Kota by his side. Kenny made an impact, winning the IWGP junior belt on his first attempt. There was some sort of irony in Kenny defeating Taguchi for the junior title, considering the previous year Kota had defeated Devitt. He was happy; Kota was happy for him. It looked like everything was just going to fall into place. It was Kenny’s breakout moment, but of course Kota upstaged him against Nakamura, having the match of the year in the semi-main event.

It was at that point that Kenny realized Kota was direct competition to him now. Looking back, he realized he was always competing with him. As much as he was entwined with Kota, he still saw him as a rival. He always felt like he needed to one-up him. When Kota first won the IWGP junior title in 2011, Kenny made it his mission to win the All Japan junior belt, which he did a few months later. Seeing Kota win the KO-D Openweight championship twice, Kenny knew he needed to win that as well. And then seeing Kota challenge for a heavyweight belt and put on the match of the year at Wrestle Kingdom, Kenny knew if he was ever going to realistically challenge Kota one day, he needed to step up his game. He needed to stop chasing what Kota had already done and create his own path, his own legacy. Do things that Kota had never done – could never do.

Wrestle Kingdom had solidified Kota as a major player in the main event scene, and as a heavyweight. He was proud of Kota, but he was jealous of him as well. Kota tried to ease his anxiety by emphasizing the _semi_ in semi-main event, but to little effect. Kenny thought that he could keep his professional ambition to be the best separate from their personal relationship. But it became harder and harder to do that. As the months wore on, it became harder and harder to even find time for each other. Kota was trying to maintain wrestling in both DDT and New Japan. Kenny was finding success in New Japan – albeit not as much as Kota – and with that came increasingly more commitments. They did the best they could with what little time and energy they had. But it was different in New Japan. They couldn’t fool around as much as they did in DDT. They couldn’t steal kisses after every match. Kenny was slowly beginning to realize that this was how it was always going to be if they wanted to be together. He wouldn’t be able to console Kota if he lost, or celebrate if he won, and Kota wouldn’t be able to do the same for him. He knew that wasn’t sustainable. But they were both killing themselves to make it work because they loved each other so much.

And then it all came crashing down one fateful night.

At Invasion Attack 2015, Kenny had retained the junior belt, but Kota was challenging AJ Styles for the IWGP heavyweight title after winning the New Japan Cup. It was yet another accomplishment of Kota’s that Kenny needed to match and exceed. All three men decided that Kenny should be out there during the match. That it should mean something. Because, in kayfabe terms, as far as anyone knew they had not been in contact since their last match in DDT. It would make sense for Kenny to be torn between his tag team partner of six years, and the leader of the faction he’d recently aligned with. Kenny thought of himself as a pretty good actor, so he assumed it would be fairly easy to play his role. But midway through his performance, he realized he wasn’t putting on an act anymore. His emotion became real. He wished he didn’t have all those eyes on him. The stupid storyline they cooked up made him realize he really did need to choose between Kota and, not necessarily the Bullet Club, but his future as a singles wrestler.

Once the match ended, it all hit like a ton of bricks. Kenny knew it was over. On some level, he knew this day was coming ever since their last match together. All his ambition, all his dreams, all his aspirations; he couldn’t achieve them tethered to Kota. He tried to justify in his mind that it was what was best for Kota too. That he could achieve more without having to worry about their relationship getting in the way. For the benefit of both of them, they needed to let each other go.

Backstage, Kenny pulled Kota aside, away from prying eyes. He had no idea how he was going to say it. He would like to think he at least paused in thought about if this was the right thing to do, but the decision was painfully easy for him. That was almost what hurt the most. _Almost_. The truly worst part was Kota’s reaction to it all. Holed up in a corner backstage, Kenny struggled to get his words out. He was desperately grasping Kota’s hands, trying to hold back tears. Kota caught his gaze and simply whispered, “ _I know”_. That was it. Kota wrapped his arms around Kenny, squeezing so tightly, like it would somehow fuse their bodies so they didn’t have to do this. Kenny kissed Kota deeply, one final time. He can still remember the feeling of Kota’s trembling lips against his. In that moment they made one more promise to one another. That this wouldn’t be forever; that one day they would find their way back to each other and it would be like nothing had changed. They swore on it. No matter what happened in their lives, they knew it was their destiny to be together.

After composing himself, Kenny walked outside the building with his suitcase. It was raining. Oblivious to the rest of the world, he felt someone walk by and place something in his hand. It was an umbrella. The glistening silhouette of his former lover walking away in the rain still haunts him. He sat down on his suitcase and hung his head, refusing to open the umbrella to shield himself from the rain. All Kenny could do after that was watch as the distance between them grew wider, both literally and figuratively. Not too long after that, all contact between them ceased.

The worst part about it was that it didn’t end because their love waned at all, or because they were ashamed, or worried anyone would find out. It was because they loved each other too much to hold each other back anymore. Just like the end of the world it ended, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

“Do you need an umbrella?”

The voice broke Kenny from his thoughts. He knew it was Kota. But his tone was casual. Like something you would say to a passing stranger. Kenny didn’t look up, he only muttered under his breath, _“It’s not raining.”_ He felt Kota’s presence begin to fade from his side. He tried to force himself to not care, to move on, but it was fruitless. He would always care. He couldn’t hold it against Kota that he broke the promise that he would be there waiting when he finally turned heavyweight, because he was sidelined with an injury at the time. Trying to keep the schedule he did was hell for him. But he could hold it against him for leaving DDT and New Japan after he was cleared to return. And he could especially hold it against him that he went to travel the world without telling Kenny why, or even that he was going to do it. And coming back when he did was not going to fix that. But Kenny needed to know why.

“Why did you leave?” Kenny spoke, despite himself.

Kota stopped walking away, but didn’t answer. He simply shook his head and averted his eyes.

Kenny responded to Kota’s silence. “You clearly made the decision to leave long before you actually did it.”

Kota looked at him questioningly, taking a step back towards Kenny.

Kenny continued. “You weren’t there when I turned heavyweight or when I won the IC belt. You _promised_ you’d be there.” Kenny hated that his voice broke on that word. “I know you were injured at the time, but afterwards…you just left. Clearly you knew you weren’t going to be sticking around or you would have been there like you promised. You would have come to see me.” Those moments following the events of Wrestle Kingdom 10 were the first real turning point in Kenny’s career. Although the way it happened was out of his control, he had done what he said he would; he had made it on his own. It pained him to get there without Kota, but that’s exactly how he needed to do it. That’s how they both knew it had to be done. And for Kota to just leave after Kenny did exactly what they both agreed needed to happen…it killed him.

“Would you have talked to me if I had been there?” Kota genuinely asked, as he again moved slightly closer to Kenny.

Kenny’s first instinct was to scream, _“Yes, of course. That’s what I’d been waiting for.”_ But Kota gave him a look he couldn’t describe, but he knew exactly what it meant.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Kenny honestly answered. Kenny would like to think that if Kota came to see him, he would have made an effort because he was never truly mad at Kota; he never stopped loving him. But Kenny remembered that he hadn’t gone to see Kota when he was injured. He made a conscious decision to keep his distance at the time. He couldn’t let himself get involved again so soon after their split. Of course, he made sure he was alright, but couldn’t see him in person. There was a difference between being in the same locker room with him around a bunch of other guys and going to see him face to face, alone. So, he can understand why Kota might have been hesitant to see him again at the time. A realization dawned on Kenny, “Is that why you left? Because I didn’t come and see you when you got injured?”

Again, Kota didn’t answer, he simply shook his head. It wasn’t necessarily a yes or no, more _‘I don’t want to talk about it’._

“I didn’t–“

“Don’t,” Kota interrupted, raising his hand in front of Kenny’s face to ensure he got his message across that he really didn’t want to discuss it.

Kenny didn’t know if he wanted to continue this conversation at all, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from making that decision for him. “Why didn’t you come back earlier? I know you were there the night I won the G1. Why didn’t you come see me then?” Kenny pleaded.

Kota shrugged. “You were so wrapped up in it all. I wanted you to have that moment. It was your achievement, not ours.” Kota crouched beside Kenny, so they were now at eye level with one another.

“I said I was lonely without you then, and that I was waiting for you. I know you saw that. You didn’t think that deserved a conversation?” Kenny questioned, shifting uncomfortably on his suitcase. A familiar sense of unease was beginning to settle.

“Kenny, I don’t know what’s real with you anymore,” Kota revealed.

“Well that was real. Back then I would have given anything for you to come back,” Kenny admitted. That’s all Kenny really wanted for so long. Ever since Kota left, he had been waiting for his return.

“How was I meant to know that?” Kota hissed. “In the same breath, you said I was an embarrassment. You could have just picked up the damn phone or told me to my face instead of making backhanded comments in interviews. Taunting me every chance you got.”

Kenny’s not so subtle messages were maybe more cryptic than he intended. “I wasn’t taunting you, I was pleading with you. I thought it would inspire you to come back on your own.”

“You thought insulting me in public was the way to get me back?” Kota scoffed at the ridiculousness of that tactic.

Kenny attempted to justify his method. “I thought that showing you what you were missing back home would make you want to return.”

“If you wanted me so badly, why did you turn me away when I finally did come back?” Kota implored with desperation in his eyes.

Logically, Kenny knew it didn’t make much sense to goad someone into returning, only to reject them when they finally did. He couldn’t fully explain it himself, he only knew what he felt. “Because everything changed with the Dome match. It’s funny…well funny’s not the right word, but if you had come back at any time before that night, it would have been so different. People say that your life can change overnight, well mine changed over the course of forty-seven minutes. I knew nothing was going to be the same after that. And when you came to see me afterwards, you just reminded me of everything I sacrificed, everything I lost to get there. You caught me off guard.”

Kota seemed to mull over Kenny’s justification for a moment. With a forced smile, he nodded; not in a way that suggested he was okay with any of this, just that he understood where Kenny was coming from. He cleared his throat before speaking again. “You said that I didn’t sign with the WWE in hopes we could do something special this year.”

“Yeah?” Kenny wasn’t entirely sure where Kota was going with this.

“You said that without knowing anything. Without having talked to me. Why?” Kota questioned. It wasn’t accusatory, it was said with genuine curiosity.

“Call it wishful thinking. An educated guess, I suppose. Are you going to tell me that’s not why?” Kenny smugly asked.

“I’m not going to deny it had to do with you, but…do you really want to know why I didn’t sign with them? Why I came back when I did?”

Kenny simply nodded and wordlessly mouthed ‘ _yeah’._

“Because you always said that one day _we_ would main event at the Tokyo Dome. _Together_. From day one you said the two of us would do it. All the other moments in your career after I left were yours, but the Tokyo Dome was meant to be ours. And not for one second did I ever think that I wouldn’t be there. It never even crossed my mind. It was _our_ dream.” Kota paused. His words were clear and even, but his composure was beginning to waver. “But then you made it there before me…without me. Seeing you win the G1, I knew I had to be there when you finally did the thing you said we’d always do. Did the thing I could never do. You _surpassed me_ as you like to say. And I needed to be there to see it happen. For you to fulfill our ‘Tokyo Dome dream’, even if it killed me to see you do it without me.”

Kenny was trying to suppress any and all emotion, mostly because he didn’t know what he was feeling. He could quite easily scream, cry, or laugh. “It should have been us. I wanted it to be us so badly, you have no idea. But–“

“But I wasn’t there. I left. And looking back, I’m so glad I did,” Kota said genuinely.

Kenny was surprised by that statement after what Kota had just said.

Kota went on to explain, “When I saw you at the Dome, I felt so guilty for having held you back all those years we were together. Less than two years it took you to achieve almost everything you ever wanted. How much of your time did I steal? I was selfish to want to keep you all to myself. Letting you go might have been the best thing I ever did.”

“Kota, you’re wrong,” Kenny stressed. “I never would have made it this far or been able to do any of this if it wasn’t for you. None of this would have been possible without you. You pushed me to do better, to _be_ better. I regret nothing we ever did together, none of our time together.”

“I know. But, you’re doing so much better on your own than you would have ever done by my side,” Kota countered.

“That’s not true,” Kenny insisted. _In more ways than one._

“It is true,” Kota emphasized. “I didn’t want to admit it for so long. I was so mad at you, at everything, but I understand now. I see why you needed to do it on your own. Kenny, I have never been more proud of you.”

The effusive comments caught Kenny off guard. He wasn’t sure what had changed in Kota since their last interactions. Why did he have to be so damn rational and even-headed all of a sudden? He really was an anomaly, the epitome of everything Kenny wasn’t. He was the one person who could still make Kenny feel like a completely inferior person, yet want to try so much harder.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have let you leave in the first place,” Kenny admitted, realizing the truth of that statement as he said it.

“I would have only resented you. I needed to get away,” Kota confessed.

“Why?” Kenny questioned. Kota looked at Kenny curiously, so he clarified. “Why didn’t you want it for yourself? You could main event the Tokyo Dome, easily. You know you’re one of the best wrestlers in the world, you could be one of the biggest stars too. You had everything in the palm of your hands and you threw it away. Why?”

“It’s not important,” Kota answered.

“It is,” Kenny disputed. “You said it yourself, it was always _our_ dream.”

“It was. But it was our dream _together_ ,” Kota explained. “Kenny, I never wanted to do it without you. Whether it was with you or against you.”

“We could still make it happen, you know?” Kenny made a point to look Kota directly in the eyes as he said it. “We did make a promise that we would do this match again when the time was right.”

“Is that what you want?” Kota’s voice was low and considered.

“Yes,” Kenny answered too quickly. “Maybe it’s selfish of me to want you back now, after everything. For the longest time I couldn’t even hear your name. But I’ve been chasing you for so long, and now that the tables have turned, I don’t want to let you go again.” He knew what he was saying was ambiguous. That he could have been talking about their match together or their relationship. But he didn’t want to clarify, because both were true.

Of course, Kota replied in an equally vague way. “Well, I suppose it’s my turn to chase you,” Kota said with a smirk as he rose from his toes and turned to leave.

For the first time in a long time, watching Kota walk away was not accompanied by a feeling of sadness or regret, but rather one of hope. For so long Kenny had been living in Kota’s shadow, but he finally had outshone the Golden Star. Maybe it was time for them to prove to everyone what they had been wanting to since the day they met; that for as good as they are apart, together they are unstoppable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Marcus Mumford & Oscar Isaac - Fare Thee Well (Dink's Song) 
> 
> Link to an [article](https://dramaticddt.wordpress.com/2014/10/03/kenny-omega-to-leave-ddt-joins-new-japan) and [translation](http://twfnews.com/home/kenny-omega-signs-for-new-japan-translated-press-conference/) of the press conference regarding Kenny leaving DDT and signing with New Japan
> 
> [The infamous image of Kenny in the rain with the umbrella after Invasion Attack 2015](https://40.media.tumblr.com/27af08d6715b36a417a68e864e996990/tumblr_nmc5lcjGoB1sax68ko1_1280.jpg)


	9. After all this time, I never thought we'd be here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, a chapter! (~￣▽￣)~
> 
> I'm in the process of re-writing a bunch of my plan given all the Jericho stuff. But I wanted to get something out, so I split this chapter into two. It was all going to be another mishmash because no major real life stuff happened regarding the Golden Lovers. But I managed to find a way to pad it out a bit; mostly because I wanted to give the boys some happiness (it's angsty happiness, but happiness nonetheless) before it all goes downhill.
> 
> So this one covers the Elite's UK tour and the Wrestling Dontaku tour (focusing on the event in Kota's hometown). And the next chapter will follow the actual Wrestling Dontaku show, ROH War of the Worlds tour, and briefly the G1 Special press conference thingy. The Young Bucks and other 'Being the Elite' cast members make appearances, but its all fairly Kenny/Kota heavy :D.
> 
> As always, enjoy and let me know your thoughts!!

Kenny didn’t have much time after Sakura Genesis to process anything. He only had a few days to himself before flying to the UK for ‘The Elite’ tour with the Young Bucks. It had been around two months since they last tagged together back at Honor Rising, and he was in desperate need of some quality time with them; to just enjoy their company and wrestle for fun again. They talked on the phone constantly, and the number of messages in the group chat would put any tween girl to shame, but it wasn’t the same as actually being together. Because it was so rare that they actually got to hang out for any extended period of time, he tried to make the most of it while he could.

At this point, he really did consider Matt and Nick family, so the few days in the UK were more like a family vacation than work. As hard as it was travelling and wrestling every night, he wouldn’t have traded it for anything. He wished he could just travel the world with the two of them all the time, but he knew that wasn’t realistic. He wanted to be in Japan, and they needed to be in America. So he enjoyed when they could tour as themselves, as the brand they had created all on their own. ‘The Elite’ was theirs and no one could take it away from them. He also enjoyed the UK crowds. They were so much more animated than in Japan. It was nice to hear the chants and outward enthusiasm he usually didn’t back home. It all made the travel, sleepless nights, and exhaustion worth it. They were all running on fumes, but they were doing it together.

The Bucks talked to their wives and kids every day. It made Kenny somewhat jealous that Matt and Nick both had families that they could go home to after every tour. Kenny felt like there was always something drawing attention to just how alone he really was, even when he was around his ‘family’. But Kenny made it a point to not talk about Kota, because he didn’t want to bring the mood of the tour down. He hadn’t told the boys about what happened the night of New Year Dash in any detail. All they knew was that it didn’t work out with Kota, and they respected his decision to remain silent on the issue. Kenny didn’t even know where he and Kota stood, and if he brought it up, he knew the Bucks would only ask him questions he couldn’t answer.

As much as their tour was meant to be about wrestling, it became more about their silly little show ‘Being the Elite’. What began as some harmless fun among friends, had really taken off at this point, and found a life of its own. Little did they know just how big it would become still. Their stupid in-jokes were now for all to see. Some of them landed, and some of them didn’t. Their latest two brain-children, ‘Fuck the Revival’ and ‘The DM’, could really go either way at this point. Only time would tell.

Being on camera was not a novelty to Kenny, but some of the things they were filming lately were definitely new to him – well, new to this version of him anyway; the post-DDT version. He would protest more if it were with anyone other than the Bucks, but he trusted them. He trusted that he could just be himself and not worry about what they would think of him. They had been through so much together and seen every side of each other. He felt comfortable enough to kiss Matt in the ring, and had no issue announcing that he “swings both ways”. Without question, he stood in the doorway of a hotel room in the smallest blue underwear he could find. They were usually reserved for underneath his tights, but anything for the entertainment of the fans, he thought. He even agreed to do the most homoerotic spray tan montage of all time, in those same blue jocks. He was used to the Bucks spray tanning him, in fact he rarely used tan on his own unless it was for a big show, and even then, Matt and Nick were usually with him, but filming it for all to see was taking it to a whole other level. Being a professional wrestler, you have to be completely confident in your physique, at least that’s what Kenny thought. Yet, there were times he really wished his entire body wasn’t on display. However, when he was with the Bucks, he wasn’t self-conscious in the least. He had no shame with those boys anymore. But he supposed that’s how brothers should be.

All in all, the tour was amazing; exactly what he needed. Time off from thinking about things he didn’t want to. But once again, it just wasn’t long enough. He felt Matt and Nick’s absence more and more every time they had to say goodbye at the airport. It was always the same story; the Bucks would head home to their families, and Kenny back to an empty house in Winnipeg, or an empty house in Katsushika. This time it was Canada for one night, and then Japan. They had very little sleep the whole trip, so Kenny was at least looking forward to a few days of much needed rest before the next tour.

. . .

It was yet another lonely tour leading up to Wrestling Dontaku. The final road-to show before the big event was in Aira, which just happened to be Kota’s home town. Because of that, Kenny had his suspicions that Kota would be on the show. He could have called or messaged Kota to ask if he was going to be there, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He simply waited for them to announce the card to confirm his intuition.

This town brought back memories of his time with Kota; of seeing that he was from a wealthy family and feeling somewhat unworthy of him. It was at a time in their lives where money didn’t fall in Kenny’s lap from bookings or merch sales. There were times when Kenny couldn’t afford to even eat, and without question Kota would pay for his meal. He would take Kenny on trips to places he never even dreamed of, without asking for a cent. He felt so out of place in Kota’s family, being a blonde Canadian who, at the time, only had a rudimentary grasp on the language. They were from completely different worlds, and all logic dictated that they shouldn’t work.

Kota told him not to worry about any of it though, that he didn’t care one bit about how much money Kenny made, or what sort of house he lived in, or what country he was born in, or how he looked, or what language he spoke. He assured him that he loved him all the same. He wondered if that was still true; if Kota would still love him the same, despite everything.

Inevitably, Kenny’s eyes met with Kota’s backstage. But the presence of practically the entire roster in the same enclosed space prevented him from doing anything more than stare from across the room. He wasn’t sure how much the other Bullet Club members knew about their past. He hadn’t ever talked to them about it directly, but he presumed the Bucks had clued them in because they never brought up Kota’s name unless Kenny did. Either way, he didn’t trust them enough to start up a conversation about the pros and cons of going to talk to Kota right now. 

Kenny was beginning to think that what happened at Sakura Genesis was a momentary lapse in composure that he needed to refrain from repeating. Still nothing had changed, and he couldn’t let Kota get in his head again; he needed to keep his eyes on the prize. In two days, he had to fight Ishii, and in about half an hour he needed to go main event once again.

After both their matches, most of the locker room was already packed and ready to leave, including Kota – not that Kenny was paying attention though. One of the many perks of being in the main event meant that the showers were usually empty by the time the match finished. And Kenny liked to take full advantage of that by showering at the arena, so he could just fall into bed when he got back to whatever motel they were staying in that night.

Kenny took his time in the shower, letting the warm water cascade over his body and ripple across every muscle. He let his hair fall across his face as he lazily washed himself. Once he was satisfied with his level of cleanliness, he exited the shower with a towel loosely tied around his waist into what he assumed would be an empty locker room. He should have known better.

“Good match out there,” Kota said with only a hint of sarcasm, as he lounged on a bench in an otherwise vacant locker room.

Kenny knew Kota was being polite because, even if it was in the main event, it was still just a stupid six-man tag. “You don’t have to lie to make small talk,” Kenny offered as he tightened the towel and made his way towards his bag, which was sat a few meters from Kota.

“No, I’m serious. Truly a work of art.” Kota’s voice was dripping with sarcasm now.

Kenny rolled his eyes and rummaged through his bag, finding a pair of shorts, a plain tee, and his blue Nikes. Usually he didn’t think twice about getting dressed in the locker room, but he felt vulnerable standing alone with Kota in nothing but a towel. He wanted to get dressed as quickly as possible, but he also didn’t want to do it in front of Kota for reasons he couldn’t articulate.

“Why are you still here?” Kenny asked, genuinely curious.

“Because I wanted to talk to you,” Kota pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “What? I can’t talk to you at all now?”

“It might be easier if we don’t,” Kenny replied as he bit the bullet and slipped his shorts on underneath the towel, which he then dropped to the floor.

“I thought you wanted to…you said…” Kenny could see Kota was straining to figure out what was going on in Kenny’s head. “Why are you like this?”

“Like what?” Kenny innocently asked, pulling the shirt over his head, immediately feeling more at ease now that he had at least a thin layer of protection.

“So frustrating! You tell me what I want to hear and then you act like you don’t care, but I know you do.” Kota’s voice was raised but still in control. “I know you kept in contact with Nakazawa and checked in on me when I was in America. I know you asked him to look after me.” 

“You knew?” _Then why didn’t you come home?_

“Why would you do that, huh?” Kota raised his eyebrows, imploring Kenny to come up with some sort of justification as to why he would bother to go to the effort if he didn’t care. “Was it because you didn’t think I could do it on my own?”

From the look on Kota’s face, Kenny wasn’t sure if he was serious or half-heartedly joking. Either way, he didn’t want Kota to think he ever doubted him. “I didn’t want you to have to do it on your own. I know how difficult and scary it is being alone in a foreign country.”

“Yeah…” Kota scoffed.

Kenny dropped his shoes on the bench and took a seat across from Kota. “Look, I don’t think you realize how hard it was for me when you left for America. I honestly thought you might never come back,” Kenny confessed.

For a moment it looked like Kota was going to scream at him, probably something to the effect of, _“hard for you?”._ But Kota’s demeanor softened as he leant forward on his seat. He spoke assuredly, “But I’m back now.”

“Not really though,” Kenny refuted. “You’ve still got one foot out the door. You’re wrestling under a mask on a few random shows. We can’t make anything happen with that. What if you don’t stick around?” Kenny didn’t want to fight, but he needed to get that off his chest.

“What if I do?” Kota simply replied.

_Please don’t tease me like that._ Kota’s words were futile if he didn’t back them up. “What’s stopping you?”

“Kenny, you thrive under pressure, and I…” Kota hesitated, seemingly unable to find the right word. He simply threw his hands up, shook his head, and shrugged.

“That’s just not true,” Kenny insisted. “I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, how I’m holding it together. It’s so different than I thought it would be.”

“It’s lonely at the top, huh?” Kota deduced, rising from his seat to move beside Kenny. He looked as if he stopped himself from placing a comforting hand on Kenny’s thigh.

“Oh, you have no idea,” Kenny stressed, thankful that none of Kota’s limbs had made contact with his body.

“So why…” Kota paused in thought for a moment before continuing, “…why do you want it so much?”

“Because I know that I can,” Kenny asserted. “That’s why I can’t understand why you don’t want it.”

“Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you always should,” Kota countered. “You want to know why I didn’t want it for myself? Because I saw what happened to you, and I didn’t ever want to be in that position. In the beginning maybe I was blinded by all the lights, but at some point I realized there were sacrifices I didn’t want to make. I suppose that’s the main difference between us.”

“Yeah, I suppose so…” Kenny trailed off in thought. He began to comprehend just how different their career, and even their life motivations were now. In the beginning they both wanted to love what they did and enjoy themselves, while simultaneously trying to be the best and show just what they were capable of. But since their split it seems that they no longer fell in that middle ground anymore, but rather they had diverged and embodied the extremes of it; Kota did what he loved, and Kenny strove to be the best, no matter the cost. It led Kota to becoming a carefree vagabond, and Kenny a tortured artist. 

“Kenny?” Kota paused, as if he wasn’t sure he should continue his thought. “Are- are you happy?” He asked solemnly.

It caught Kenny off guard. “What kind of question is that?”

“A pretty straight forward one I thought,” Kota answered.

“No,” Kenny tersely replied. Even though this had always been his dream, even though he got to travel the world and spend time with his best friends, even though he didn’t have to want for anything, it would be a lie to say he was truly happy.

“Then why do you keep doing it?” Kota questioned, clearly exacerbated. “What’s the point?”

In the early days he truly was happy, but similar to his days in Hockey, as soon as he became good enough to gain some notoriety, he started to hate it. To the point where he felt stuck, like he was going through the motions, and it was slowly chipping away at his spirit. But unlike with Hockey, he had this insatiable drive to become the best in wrestling, and evidently nothing was going to sway him from that goal. Kenny simply shrugged at Kota because he didn’t know how to put that into words.

Kota pressed the issue further though. “It never used to be like this. You used to love wrestling and performing. It used to be fun and painless, but now it’s killing you. You’re lonely, you’re unhappy, you’re hurt. Is it really worth it?”

“I’m fine,” Kenny laconically replied, not wanting to talk to Kota about this any longer. He reached behind him to grab his shoes, hoping Kota would get the hint, but to no avail.

“No, you’re not,” Kota firmly contended. “Kenny, we used to spend every moment together. We used to talk about everything. I know when you’re trying to put on a brave face and fool everyone into thinking you’re okay, but I can see right through you.”

“Please don’t remind me,” Kenny pleaded, trying to remain stoic while focusing his attention towards slipping his shoes on without untying the laces.

“Remind you of what?”

“Of how things used to be. I know what I gave up, okay?” Kenny rose from his seat, and hovered over Kota. “I'm reminded of it nearly every day. There is always something or someone that lets me know what I threw away! It’s torture. And I just have to live with that now. I have to live with knowing what could have been, had I just been a little bit less selfish. But I'm in too fucking deep now and I can't go back. Kota, no one has any expectations of you. But me? I have an entire company on my shoulders.” Kenny felt his chest becoming heavy, and his legs becoming weak. “Sometimes I wish I had never made it, because then I wouldn’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. I wouldn't have to be this damn character of myself all the time. I wish I could just go back and do what made me happy, rather than trying to constantly prove myself, but I can’t. I’m stuck in this position now. _Fait accompli_ if you will. I suppose this is what I wanted, eh? I just didn't know it was going to feel like this.” Kenny inwardly sniped at letting himself lose his composure like that. He didn’t mean to be so verbose, but he couldn’t stop the words from coming out.

In an instant, without saying a word, Kota stood to meet Kenny, latching his arms around his neck, and burying his face into the damp curls loosely hanging beside his ear. For a moment, Kenny was frozen at the suddenness of it all, but he quickly reciprocated, wrapping one arm across Kota’s shoulder blades, letting the other fall slightly lower. He let himself lean into Kota, while trying not to be swallowed by him. He was glad Kota couldn’t see his face because it would betray so much. It felt so – for lack of a better word – normal. 

While locked in the embrace, Kenny felt a hollow sense of regret begin to haunt him. He knew he missed Kota, but he didn’t realize just how much was missing from his life with him not in it. He was starting to wish things had turned out differently, that he had done things differently. It amazed him that Kota was able to still care after everything Kenny had put him through. He always carried himself with such grace, unlike Kenny who appeared to be falling apart at the seams. Kota’s heart might be made of literal gold, while Kenny’s was slowly turning black and cold.

Kenny wanted Kota back more than anything, however, in the current state, that just wasn’t possible. But maybe Kenny no longer needed to avoid him at every turn. For the first time in a long time, he felt like they could be around each other again, could even be friends again, without all the weirdness or sex. Surprisingly, sex was the thing he missed the least about Kota. It was the connection, the shared passion, the things he experienced when he was with Kota that he felt the loss of more. Maybe it was because, as mind-blowing as the sex was, it wasn’t something that exclusively Kota could offer him. He’d been with other people since, and although it could never compare, it got the job done. But there were other aspects of their relationship that he had only ever experienced with Kota, before or since. That’s what he craved most right now. He never thought those things could be separated with Kota, but now things really were different. Maybe this was a new chapter for them, in a book that Kenny feared might have been closed long ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: Lifehouse - Blind
> 
> The UK tour details mostly come from 'Being the Elite' - here's the links to the corresponding episodes:  
> [Being the Elite episode 45](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuG1dc4wvoc) (includes the spray tan session, the blue underwear, and the "swing both ways" quote)  
> [Being the Elite episode 46](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8XKFlK8MF0) (includes Matt and Kenny's kiss)  
> [Being the Elite episode 47](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNr0p5xjVIc)


	10. Let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh, I feel like I'm writing in circles!!! I've read and re-read, and edited this what feels like a million times now. But I've finally re-written my basic plan, taking into account all the recent developments. I have at least another 11 (maybe 12) chapters running up until Kenny's most recent ROH dates (i.e San Antonio). So, as long as we're not thrown any more curve balls, I can actually stick to it! Fingers crossed ya'll!
> 
> The next chapter will focus on Kota's Birthday celebrations ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) soooo there may or may not be smut incoming. I don't know how intense (is that the right word?) I want it to be yet though. I kinda suck at writing smut (or anything tbh) without being overly detailed and verbose... so, we'll see how it ends up.
> 
> But for now, please enjoy this one! It *nearly* verges on fluff (which I struggle to write even more than smut, so hopefully it conveys what I intended.)
> 
> **NOTE - I haven't abandoned this fic, life just got a little hectic. So, please just bear with me! But I am VERY excited about everything that went down at New Beginning, and I'm more inspired than ever to write. I have so many ideas now that this thing is actually happening. And I love seeing all the new people being introduced to everything that is the Golden Lovers for the first time :D. Let's watch these two make history!

It was already May, and Kenny was having only his third singles match for the year in New Japan. Wrestling Dontaku; Kenny Omega vs Tomohiro Ishii. It was both a blessing and a curse to have so few marquee matches. It was great that he could take somewhat of a break when he was working tags, but it also put the pressure on to perform in moments like this. He knew he had good chemistry in the ring with Ishii, but he was astutely aware of the fact he needed to live up to the standard of their match in the New Japan cup. He also had to contend with not being in the main event for once, because tonight that honor went to Okada and Fale. But at least he had outdone Kota, who only had an undercard tag match tonight. Kenny also knew in the back of his mind that he would still end the show on top, because his match at Dominion had been set; Omega vs Okada II. The lasting image from this show would be him and Okada, face to face in the ring.

Kota was still wrestling in the stupid mask and the silly tights; although Kenny wasn’t really in a position to judge anyone’s choice of ring attire. Ever since their last conversation, he wanted to talk to Kota again; not about anything in particular, mostly just to be in his presence again. He just had to wait for the perfect opportunity to steal Kota away for a few private moments. He didn’t feel comfortable making plans to spend time with Kota outside of ‘work’ just yet, because that felt too personal; too real. Moreover, he knew the real world couldn’t witness them openly interacting in any capacity without it destroying all they had built, and the last thing he wanted was to be alone with Kota in one of their apartments again. So, finding time at shows was their only real option at this point. But even still, Kenny didn’t want to risk doing that in a locker room full of other guys. He was dedicated to ensuring no one brought down their entire story with a sly photo or revealing tweet. He also couldn’t let himself become distracted before his big match, so he decided not to bother with even attempting to approach Kota until after the show was over and he could ensure that they had complete privacy.

Kenny finished his match and stumbled his way to the back. The match felt good; at least as good as their first bout, Kenny thought. Congratulations were brief as everyone focused in on the main event, but Kenny was fine with that because right now he was overcome with an intense desire to talk to only one person; Kota Ibushi. He hadn’t felt it that strongly in years. Back in the day, after big matches, they would always debrief backstage. They made sure to check there were no injuries and all was okay. He needed to let Kota know he was okay. Also, for some reason, he felt like he should tell Kota that the match with Okada was going to happen again. He felt obliged to let him know, and not just let him find out when the rest of the world did. He owed him that much.

But Kota was nowhere to be found. Kenny knew he couldn’t start asking around the locker room for Kota’s whereabouts, and he refused to give in to his desperation and call him. In frustration, he ripped off the frayed tape that adorned his wrist and threw it hastily to the ground. He didn’t know why he was so upset. He didn’t actually tell Kota to stick around, he just kind of assumed that he would. Even if it wasn’t for him, in this business, it was always expected that you stay until the end of the show. But by now, he should know better than to assume anything with the ever-elusive Kota Ibushi.

Kenny had less than twenty minutes before he needed to go back out to the ring to be called out by Okada. He waited nervously, trying to focus on anything but Kota. Cody attempted to calm him by offering some water. He thanked Cody, and proceeded to fiddle with the cap of the bottle for a few minutes before he finally took a drink. After sitting with his thoughts for a while, reason kicked in; Kota was probably just showering, or getting a drink, or talking to old friends. There were a million possibilities that had nothing to do with Kenny. He was over-analyzing the whole situation and working himself into a state for absolutely no reason. Kota had no obligation to him and it would be ridiculous to expect that.

Kenny fulfilled his duty and accepted Okada’s request for a re-match. He tried not to think about the gravity of the match, but hearing the crowd erupt at the prospect made that nearly impossible. Whatever pressure he felt in needing to deliver against Ishii tonight would be magnified ten-fold at Dominion. All he wanted was some reassurance that he could do this. Right on cue, a few moments after Kenny had made it backstage, his phone lit up; a FaceTime from Nick. He had stayed up to watch Kenny’s match live, even though he was in a completely different time zone. Matt had stayed up also, and according to Nick, was currently on the phone to Cody. Nick put any fears Kenny had to rest as they talked, while the NJPW roster slowly filtered out, Cody included.

Before he knew it, he was sitting alone on the locker room floor, butted up against the far wall. That was until Kota Ibushi walked through the doors; impeccable timing, as always. Immediately, his attention was drawn towards him, leaving Nick as an afterthought.

At times like this, Kenny felt like he was a compass, and Kota a magnet; because the instant Kota drew near, Kenny’s entire focus instinctively pointed in his direction. It was unavoidable and uncontrollable; the force of the attraction overrode any and all internal will power he possessed. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. It was as if there was some greater force keeping them connected; even when they strayed from the course, they were constantly being pulled back toward each other.

“Sorry Nick, I’ve gotta go. We’ll talk soon. Thanks for the call,” Kenny said aimlessly towards the phone, while remaining fixated on Kota. He was wearing a white button-up collared shirt. The contrast against his skin was striking. The lights in the room were illuminating all the right places. Kenny was still in his ring gear, sans boots and pads, which he had removed while on the phone to Nick.

“I was wondering where you ran off too,” Kenny said, amazed he could still form coherent sentences. “What’s with the dress shirt? Got a hot date?” Kenny only half wanted to know the answer to that question.

Kota gathered his things from the floor and made his way towards Kenny. Kenny was so caught up talking to Nick that he hadn’t noticed Kota’s stuff was still in the locker room.

“No. Sorry, I was uh…I was negotiating,” Kota stammered.

“Negotiating?” Kenny asked, slightly confused before he realized what Kota was implying. “Like _negotiating_ negotiating?” He rose to his feet, unable to sit still anymore.

Kota nodded and chuckled, probably at how giddy Kenny was right now. It was amazing how his mood could shift so rapidly in the presence of this man.

“And?” Kenny rolled his wrist in front of his chest, encouraging Kota to elaborate.

“And we’re still negotiating. Nothing is set in stone right now. But it’s looking good,” Kota beamed.

Kenny couldn’t contain his grin, but he didn’t know what to say next. He didn’t want to jinx it or scare Kota into changing his mind by looking too excited. He pulled a shirt out of his bag and slipped it over his head in order to busy his hands and prevent him from latching his arms around Kota.

Before the silence became awkward, Kenny took a seat on one of the many empty chairs and changed the subject. “So, did you see my match?”

“Yeah, I caught most of it,” Kota said dismissively.

“What’d you think?” Kenny asked, always desperate for approval. He stared, awaiting Kota’s appraisal of his performance.

“Meh,” Kota shrugged.

“Meh?” Kenny mimicked, dramatically raising his eyebrows in disbelief.

“It was alright,” Kota nonchalantly remarked as he continued to gather the last of his things and place them neatly in his bag.

It was not lost on Kenny that Kota praised a random six-man tag two nights ago, and thought this potential five star match was _‘alright’_.

“I busted my ass out there. I did fucking amazing and you know it.” Humility be damned, Kenny puffed his chest out like some sort of gorilla trying to assert dominance.

“If you say so,” Kota replied, rolling his eyes. “It was a little too showy if you ask me. I think you tried too hard.”

Kenny scoffed in feigned offense, because he was 99% sure Kota was joking at this point. “You know for a fact I was the best thing on the show.” Kenny was now purposely attempting to be as cocky and smug as possible just to mess with Kota.

“Living by ‘it isn’t bragging if you can back it up’ I see?” Kota teased.

“You’re damn right,” Kenny affirmed.

“I’m joking, of course it was amazing,” Kota finally admitted, as he pulled a seat up close to Kenny.

“You prick,” Kenny said, as he half-heartedly nudged Kota in the shoulder.

“Well I can’t inflate your ego too much. Seems like you’ve already got that covered,” Kota mocked.

Kenny genuinely chuckled at Kota for the first time in a long time. It felt so natural to be around him like this; so easy. There was no awkwardness or tension. But before Kenny could get lost in his thoughts, Kota asked, “So Okada again?”

“Yeah, I mean, I think it’s too soon, but I’ve got to do what’s best for the company I guess,” Kenny replied. If it was up to him, there’s no way this match would be happening again so soon.

“Are you going to win?” Kota asked wryly.

“Does it matter?” Kenny responded, matching Kota’s inflection.

“It matters to you,” Kota declared. “I know how much you want it. That belt is one thing I could never get my hands on. I know you want to lord it over me.” The slight change in his tone was barely noticeable, but Kenny, knowing Kota all too well, picked up on it.

“I suppose we’ll just have to let fate decide,” Kenny replied, unable to refrain from letting a smirk settle on his lips.

Kota’s expression mirrored Kenny’s. He looked as if he was going to make a comment regarding Kenny’s phrasing but instead asked, “Was that Matt on the phone?”

Kenny chuckled; Kota always had trouble discerning which brother was which. He composed himself and corrected Kota. “Nick, actually.”

“You’re pretty close with them two, huh?” Kota observed, brushing off any embarrassment.

“They’re family,” Kenny announced without hesitation. “I don’t know where I would be without them. They’ve always got my back.”

“That’s for sure. They came and talked to me when I came back,” Kota sheepishly said.

 _Of course they did, the little shits._ “Oh yeah? And what did they have to say?”

“What do you think?” Kota sniggered. “Something along the lines of ‘if you hurt our best friend, you’ll never work another day in your life’.”

Kenny nodded and tried to stifle a laugh. “That sounds like something they would say.”

“They made sure to enunciate so that I understood every word,” Kota noted, outwardly laughing now.

“I’m sorry,” Kenny offered. “Their intentions are good, I promise you. They’re just trying to protect me.”

“How much do they know about us?” Once again, Kota’s tone changed ever so slightly. Anyone else might not have picked up on it, but Kenny couldn’t miss it.

“Enough,” Kenny quantified. “It’s not like I give them every detail, but they get the gist of what happened between us.”

“Do they know the truth, or your version of it?” Kota asked.

The look on Kota’s face indicated he didn’t mean to say that, or if he did, he didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did. Kenny didn’t know how to respond, so stayed silent.

“It’s okay,” Kota continued, brushing off his previous remark. “I’m glad you have them. That you have people you can open up to.”

“Yeah, I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. Ever since…” Kenny couldn’t bring himself to say the words 'you left'. “…they’ve been there for me. They’re always there when I need them.”

“I really am happy for you, Kenny. That you got everything you wanted,” Kota said sincerely.

“Not everything…” Kenny replied, turning his eyes away momentarily before landing them back on Kota.

The implication of those words was evidently not lost on Kota as he pursed his lips into somewhat of a nervous smile.

Kenny didn’t know when he would get another opportunity to talk to Kota like this, so decided to take the opportunity to ask a burning question. “Hey, can I ask you something serious?”

Kenny’s tone did nothing to abate Kota’s visible unease, but he nodded for Kenny to continue anyway.

“Why the mask, really?”

“Honestly? Because I didn’t know how people were going to respond to me,” Kota revealed. “I left remember? People don’t take to kindly to that in this country or in this company. I figured there might be some hard feelings, so I thought I’d ease everyone back into it I suppose.”

“You really thought people wouldn’t welcome you back?” Kenny was dumbfounded at how Kota could think that anyone would pass up the opportunity to have him back where he belonged.

Kota gave Kenny a knowing look. Kenny realized that that’s exactly how he treated Kota when he returned. It made sense that he didn’t want to give too much of himself, or get too invested in this company again after Kenny outwardly rejected him. Maybe he was trying to ease Kenny specifically back into it; get him used to Kota’s presence again. If that was the case, he had to give Kota props, because it was working.

“Don’t you think it’s been long enough now?” Kenny asked.

“You tell me,” Kota demanded, leaning in closer towards Kenny.

Kenny refused to give in to Kota’s somewhat provocative body language. He tried to keep his response as impersonal as possible, while also attempting to convey just how much he wanted Kota to stay. “I’m sure people are used to you being back now. Maybe it’s time to be Kota Ibushi again. Too hell with anyone who thinks you’re not worthy of being here. This is your home. This is where you should be. Always.”

Kota responded with a genuine smile. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right. I’m always right,” Kenny boasted, deliberately lightening the mood.

“You keep telling yourself that Kenny-tan,” Kota teased.

Kenny felt his breath hitch as Kota uttered that foreign, yet familiar name. It had been so long since he’d heard it. He was genuinely at a loss for words once again at how to respond. That seemed to be one of the side effects of talking to Kota lately.

Kota saved him from the awkwardness. “Well, I better get going. I’ll uh- I’ll see you around?” There was still uncertainty in Kota’s voice.

“Yeah, of course,” Kenny assured. “Hey–” Kenny considered for a moment saying ‘Ibutan’, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it yet, “–Kota. One last question?”

“Yeah?” Kota answered, as he stood and slung his bag over his shoulder.

“You said you came back because of the Tokyo Dome?” Kota nodded, so Kenny continued. “Does that mean you wouldn’t have if I wasn’t main eventing?”

Kota reflected for a moment before shrugging. “I honestly don’t know. Sooner or later it would have happened anyway. You were always destined for that spot.”

“But if it didn’t happen this year, would you have signed with _them_?” Kenny made sure to put emphasis on that word.

“Maybe,” Kota paused, “but that’s another world Kenny, don’t get hung up on the what ifs.”

 _At this point, it’s all I’ve really got._ The what ifs are what haunt him the most. The what ifs of the past, and more so the what ifs of the future.

Clearly finished with the conversation, Kota made his way to the door. But Kenny couldn’t let him leave without getting the final word in. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you came back.” _Please don’t leave me again._

. . .

Kenny wasn’t booked for another show in Japan until the end of the month, but that didn’t mean he got a break. He got to go home for a few days, but during that time he wrestled for his home promotion; Premier Championship Wrestling. Being away from his home for most of the year was hard, but it made it all the more special when he could return. It felt good to play the local hero for a night, and give back to the promotion that gave him his first real chance. He got to see family, friends, long term fans, and be a real person for once. People even called him by his real name. It was humbling to be grounded again, and be reminded of his roots.

He also had a Ring of Honor show in Toronto with the Bucks. He would have liked to have been on the entire War of the Worlds tour, but Visa issues prevented him from working. He was able to travel with the boys for most of it though. They finally got to pay off their big ‘Being the Elite’ storyline. Adam Cole was out of the Bullet Club and Marty Scurll was in. Kenny sometimes forgot that he was meant to be the ‘leader’ of the Bullet Club, until moments like this. But they had spent so much time laying the ground work for this one, that it felt nice to be the one to announce a new member. He didn’t know Marty overly well, but the Bucks vouched for him, and that’s all the convincing he needed.

Matt and Nick could pretty much talk him into anything at this point, including selling their merch at Hot Topic. It had been in the works for a while, but now they had secured the deal and were able to finally announce it. Kenny was skeptical that they would actually sell, but he had faith that the Bucks knew what they were doing. Once upon a time, he was also doubtful that his merch would sell of Pro Wrestling Tees, but they assured him it would. And now its consistently some of the top selling merch in history.

Kenny wanted to talk to Matt and Nick about Kota. He valued their opinion not just in business ventures, but personal ones as well. But he couldn’t find the time to do it. The focus was all on Marty and Adam this tour, and he didn’t want to take away from that.

. . .

Kenny managed to spend a little more time in Winnipeg after the ROH tour, mostly training for his upcoming match at Dominion, and the G1 Climax which was right around the corner. He figured he’d also change up his hair while he had the chance, considering the significance of his upcoming match with Okada. He thought about putting color in it, but knew it wouldn’t fit his character anymore; those days were long gone. He decided on extensions, harkening back to his early days as ‘The Cleaner’.

However, the announcement of the IWGP United States Heavyweight Championship, and the G1 Specials in the USA fast approaching meant that time to himself was limited because there were media appearances aplenty. Naturally, as their top English-speaking star, most of the attention was on Kenny. The Long Beach press conference was centered around the Bullet Club. This was maybe his least favorite part of the job, but this time it meant he got to spend more time with the Bucks. It also meant Kenny finally found a moment to talk to Matt privately–

“So, you talked to Kota a few months ago?” Kenny asked without preamble.

“Well obviously so did you if you know that,” Matt replied, giving a knowing look.

Kenny deflected the insinuation. “Was it _absolutely_ necessary for you to threaten him?” He joked, over-enunciating the word ‘absolutely’.

“Yes,” Matt quickly responded.

Kenny chuckled. “Fair enough.”

“I wasn’t joking either. I won’t hesitate to rearrange his perfect face, just say the word,” Matt said, accompanied by an animated gesture that resembled a fighting pose.

Kenny giggled at how tough Matt was trying to be. “Perfect face, huh?”

“Look Kenny, I might be as straight as they come, but I can appreciate a good face when I see one,” Matt said, winking suggestively.

“You should see the rest of him,” Kenny blurted out without thinking.

“Too much information Kenny!” Matt put his fingers in his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m a good Christian boy remember?”

Kenny got a kick out of how uncomfortable Matt became. “Sorry man,” Kenny muttered, stifling a laugh.

“It’s all good. I love you and all, but some things I just don’t want to picture,” Matt stressed.

Nick approached to hear the end of the conversation. “What aren’t we picturing?”

Matt and Kenny looked at each other and silently agreed to spare Nick from the same fate Matt had just endured.

“Nothing man,” Kenny said to Nick. Kenny then turned the conversation back to Matt. “Hey, when did you even go see Kota? Every time you’re in Japan, you guys are with me.”

Nick looked at Matt, seemingly to see if they were in trouble for going behind Kenny’s back. Matt alleviated his fears by answering for them. “As we were heading to the airport after Dash, after we told you to go and sort it out with him. We knew how stubborn you’d be, so we knew we had time.”

“You know me so well,” Kenny dryly replied.

“And don’t you forget it,” Matt sassed.

Nick chimed in. “Hey, speaking of Dash, can I ask you a question?”

“Yes…” Kenny knitted his eyebrows in hesitation.

“That night, I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it. But, what really happened?”

“You sure you really want to know?” Kenny asked, offering them an out.

“Yeah, what did he do wrong?” Nick innocently asked. Matt was paying close attention to Kenny’s answer also.

“Him? Nothing. It was me. I broke his heart,” Kenny divulged. “I over thought things and chickened out. There was another guy…”

Matt put his hand up to stop Kenny from going any further with the details.

Kenny got the signal, and cautiously continued, “I really thought I fucked things up for good. If the roles were reversed I probably would have never forgiven him to be honest.”

“Okay, not to be a downer, but why do you think he is being so nice now?” Nick asked. “Do you really think he just wants to be friends? You've said it yourself before, that you’ve never been able to sustain that.”

“What, you think he’s playing me?” Kenny calmly questioned.

“I’m not saying that, I’m just saying be careful how much of him you let back in," Nick clarified, seemingly genuinely concerned. "I’m saying it for both your sake, I don’t want either of you to get hurt again.”

“I will be careful. But please trust that I know what I’m doing.” Kenny wasn’t entirely sure that was the case, but maybe if he said it enough, it would become true.

Matt raised an eyebrow at him. “So things are good with you two?”

“I mean yeah. It’s kind of weird, like you said Nick, we were never just friends. I mean he was my best friend, but he was always more as well. So, for us to just be friendly, without all the...” Kenny paused to think of the correct phrasing, “…extra stuff, it is a little strange. But I’m starting to think it can really happen. I never thought it could be like that, but there’s a first time for everything I suppose.”

“That’s great and all, but he wouldn’t want to impeach on our friendship. You, me and Nick, that’s where it’s at.” Matt pointed in a circle towards each of them as he spoke their names.

“Are you kidding? I could never leave you guys,” Kenny assured, as both Matt and Nick smiled. “Yeah, you know way too much about me, remember?”

“Dick,” Nick huffed, as Matt shoved him in the arm playfully.

Once again, a feeling of genuine warmth spread across Kenny’s chest. For all the pressure he put on himself, he felt content with it all for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. He was beginning to enjoy pro-wrestling again. Maybe that was down to the Bucks, or maybe it was down to Kota, he wasn’t sure. But he was feeling good for once and he was going to run with it while he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song reference: David Gray - Babylon (the lyrics might actually be "let go your heart, let go your head, and feel it now", but it's a little hard to decipher. Either way works though!) 
> 
> [Rundown of Kenny's match at his home promotion](https://www.pcwaction.com/thunderstruck-2017-results) in which he is beaten by a surprise roll up after being kissed and exchanging some unknown liquid. It also sounds like he jerked off a kendo stick (yup, that actually happened - still not as weird as his most recent visit to PCW though).
> 
> [The New Japan G1 Special Press Conference in Long Beach](https://www.facebook.com/newjapaneng/videos/1442241662503354/) (featuring Kenny's ratchet looking extensions)


End file.
